http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:63GhfjlnKFlaMM:http://www.babyphotospictures.com/thumb/baby-boy-laughing.jpg
So my hubby and I have been having this debate about having another baby. I would have liked to had our 3rd and last baby about 2 years ago but seeing how he was in Iraq that would have caused some problems. He would like to wait until 2013 to have another baby. At this point I should mention that I have an IUD that must come out May 2013 and I do not plan on having another put in as they hurt. SO the debate between myself and my hubby is weather or not we wait. Waiting a few years may not make a differences but I have a few good and a few bad points about waiting.
The Good-
Pay off some debt
will be able to stay home
The Bad
I will be 30 or 31 before the baby comes
Kylie will be 10 or 11, and Maddison will be 7 or 8.
not sure if I will be able to get pregnant
So while I wait for my Husband to make up hie mind I look at other babies in hope that I will get to have one last one.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I wonder....
Lately I have been thinking about my mom alot. My relationship with my mother was hard and for a good 10 years there was no relatioship. I will supply a little background about us. My mom and dad married when my mom was in her mid 20's and had me a few years later. During the pregnancy my mom wanted a boy and needless to say when she found out I was a girl she was not happy. Fast forward a few years, my mom got the boy she wanted but then my parnets marriage broke up. I lived with my dad for a number of years but when my dad remarried he thought it would be best if I lived with my mom. To this day My dad and I both regret him sending me back there because maybe my life would have been easier. My MOM was very abusive. Not only verbally but also physically. She would throw things at us like pots, knives and even hot food. She would also have these rages where she would come home from work and regardless of the time she would trash every room in the house. I remember one night she got home at 2 am, trashed the enotre house and then woke me up to clean. She did not wake my brother up. There was also a time that my mom threw my brother into a wall where he cracked his head open and when we went to the hospital she told them I had hit him with a stick.I agreed but only beciase she had threatend to kill not only me but my dad who I loved extremenly. Needless to say I took a beating of my life that night becuase she managed to coinvicne herslef that I had hrt him.
This went on for a number of years and during that time I was also being sexually abused by not only my step fatehr bit also by my grandfather. The abuse with them went on fro about 4 years until my mom divorced my step father and my grandfather passed away. Once all these things happened I was release from the sexuall abuse but did not get away from the physical abuse until 3 years later.
I managed to get away frim the abuse at my mothers hands when I went to live with my dad at the age of 10. During the time I liveed with my mom my dad never knew what was going on. Once I got away from my mom I had no conatct with my mom until I was 20. Right after I turend 20 I gave birth to Kylie and my mother found out that I had a baby. I saw my mom 3 times during the first year of Kylies life but could never forgive or forget what had happened. The last time I saw my mom I told her I would never forgive her and that I hated her. Fast forward 2 years later and I had just had Maddison whne I recieved a phoen call letting me know that my mom had died in a fire. While I was sad that she passed I really had no emtion about her death because I had lost my when I was 10. I did go to the funeral service for her but while everyone was crying and saying what a great person she was I wanted to stand up and scream that she was not that great.
Well the reason why I have been thinking about her so much is because my kids are gettign older and I never want to lose my relationship with them. I never want them to have to wonder about me. I never want them to feel the hole I have in my heart where she no longer is. I miss that I don't have someone who I trust and admire that I can go to when I am having a rough day or when/if I have another baby.
Everytime I hear the Kelli Pickler song I have to stop and cry a few moments becuase I do wonder if she ever loved me and what could casue a mother to hate her child so much.
I leave you with this: always tell your children you love them regardless of how you may be feeling at that time because you don't want them to wonder how you truly felt for them.
A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved.
- Kate Samperi, "Mothers"
"I wonder by Kellie Pickler
Sometimes I think about you.
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' about me.
And would you even recognize,
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be.
Cuz I look in the mirror and all I see,
Are your brown eyes looking back at me.
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.
<>
Oh I hear the weather's nice in California. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.
I think about how it ain't fair.
That you weren't there to braid my hair like mothers do.
You weren't around to cheer me on.
Help me dress for my high school prom like mothers do.
Did you think I didn't need you here.
To hold my hand, to dry my tears.
Did you even miss me through the years at all?
<>
Oh I hear the weather's nice in California. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.
Forgiveness.
Such a simple word.
But its so hard to do.
When you've been hurt.
Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
And just in case you're wondering about me.
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off to Tennessee
This went on for a number of years and during that time I was also being sexually abused by not only my step fatehr bit also by my grandfather. The abuse with them went on fro about 4 years until my mom divorced my step father and my grandfather passed away. Once all these things happened I was release from the sexuall abuse but did not get away from the physical abuse until 3 years later.
I managed to get away frim the abuse at my mothers hands when I went to live with my dad at the age of 10. During the time I liveed with my mom my dad never knew what was going on. Once I got away from my mom I had no conatct with my mom until I was 20. Right after I turend 20 I gave birth to Kylie and my mother found out that I had a baby. I saw my mom 3 times during the first year of Kylies life but could never forgive or forget what had happened. The last time I saw my mom I told her I would never forgive her and that I hated her. Fast forward 2 years later and I had just had Maddison whne I recieved a phoen call letting me know that my mom had died in a fire. While I was sad that she passed I really had no emtion about her death because I had lost my when I was 10. I did go to the funeral service for her but while everyone was crying and saying what a great person she was I wanted to stand up and scream that she was not that great.
Well the reason why I have been thinking about her so much is because my kids are gettign older and I never want to lose my relationship with them. I never want them to have to wonder about me. I never want them to feel the hole I have in my heart where she no longer is. I miss that I don't have someone who I trust and admire that I can go to when I am having a rough day or when/if I have another baby.
Everytime I hear the Kelli Pickler song I have to stop and cry a few moments becuase I do wonder if she ever loved me and what could casue a mother to hate her child so much.
I leave you with this: always tell your children you love them regardless of how you may be feeling at that time because you don't want them to wonder how you truly felt for them.
A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved.
- Kate Samperi, "Mothers"
"I wonder by Kellie Pickler
Sometimes I think about you.
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' about me.
And would you even recognize,
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be.
Cuz I look in the mirror and all I see,
Are your brown eyes looking back at me.
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.
<>
Oh I hear the weather's nice in California. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.
I think about how it ain't fair.
That you weren't there to braid my hair like mothers do.
You weren't around to cheer me on.
Help me dress for my high school prom like mothers do.
Did you think I didn't need you here.
To hold my hand, to dry my tears.
Did you even miss me through the years at all?
<>
Oh I hear the weather's nice in California. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.
Forgiveness.
Such a simple word.
But its so hard to do.
When you've been hurt.
Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
And just in case you're wondering about me.
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off to Tennessee
Monday, May 3, 2010
Manic Monday
My best friend in the whole world does a post each Monday about things she wants and may or may not be able to get.
So for my very first manic monday I would like to be enitely debt free my the end of 2012. While I know this may be relaistic for things like out credit cards and one of the car payments I do not think this will happen on the house as our mortage is still over 200k and becuase I have 30k in student loans. The reason why I hope for this though is then I could stay home once matt and I have another child(if that ever happens). That is my manic Monday wish.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
To work or not to work
So the Jon/Kate situation has mostly played its self out in public but after thinking about how Kate must be feeling I want to throw my 2 cents in. This is my vent. IF you don't like it don't read it.
I have been working since the age of 15. I worked forty hours when I got pregnant with Kylie plus I went to College full time. I then got married and worked for about 10 months and then had to be put on bed rest for my last pregnancy. By then Matt was in the army and we made decision that I would finish college and not work. I did put my kids in daycare but I also had them home alot. The plan when he went into the military was for me to get my degree and he would get out of the military. This would allow us to be in a better position financially. Well that is what we did. I got my Bachelors of Social work last May and when Matt left the Army in July I was looking for a Job. With the economy being as bad as it is/was we worried but we knew we would be ok because we had savings. Thankfully I found a job so we did not have to dip into it too much.
Yet I go to work on a daily basis and there are days I want to leave and never return yet I keep going because I have 2 kids relying on my checks. As for Kate she is doing what she needs to do to provide for those kids. If she did not work I don't see Jon running out to get a job so then she and those 8 beautiful kids would be on welfare and then she would be criticized for doing that. She will never be able to catch a break. As women we need to support other women and stop trying to tear them down.
As women we have to be perfect. We have to take care of the family and also in a day and age where the man can't provide on his own the wife needs to step up and help. While I know that SAHM have a taxing and tiring job I think that working moms have the same about of work plus they also have the stress and guilt about leaving their kids at daycare and going out to work. I applaud all working moms who do what they have to for their families and take a lot of heat from SAHM. I love my kids this as must as I did when I was home with them.
I have been working since the age of 15. I worked forty hours when I got pregnant with Kylie plus I went to College full time. I then got married and worked for about 10 months and then had to be put on bed rest for my last pregnancy. By then Matt was in the army and we made decision that I would finish college and not work. I did put my kids in daycare but I also had them home alot. The plan when he went into the military was for me to get my degree and he would get out of the military. This would allow us to be in a better position financially. Well that is what we did. I got my Bachelors of Social work last May and when Matt left the Army in July I was looking for a Job. With the economy being as bad as it is/was we worried but we knew we would be ok because we had savings. Thankfully I found a job so we did not have to dip into it too much.
Yet I go to work on a daily basis and there are days I want to leave and never return yet I keep going because I have 2 kids relying on my checks. As for Kate she is doing what she needs to do to provide for those kids. If she did not work I don't see Jon running out to get a job so then she and those 8 beautiful kids would be on welfare and then she would be criticized for doing that. She will never be able to catch a break. As women we need to support other women and stop trying to tear them down.
As women we have to be perfect. We have to take care of the family and also in a day and age where the man can't provide on his own the wife needs to step up and help. While I know that SAHM have a taxing and tiring job I think that working moms have the same about of work plus they also have the stress and guilt about leaving their kids at daycare and going out to work. I applaud all working moms who do what they have to for their families and take a lot of heat from SAHM. I love my kids this as must as I did when I was home with them.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
About time for an update!!
I am still around and kicking. It has been a crazy few months in my life and I am just getting caught up.SO here is an update on my life
Husband-
Matt is doing great. He has had a few rough weeks at work but will be finished with the police acadmey in 20 days. I can hardly believe it. Will be weird when he starts working night shifts but I think I am ready for it. Lol
KIDS
Kylie is doing great in school and will be moving on to 2nd second. She will also be turning 7 soon which is so hard to believe. She has been doing great in school. SHe loves math but is not a fan of reading which is weird since I love to read.
Maddison is going to be 5 in August. Man where does time go. 2 weeks ago I had quite a moment/milestone where I had to register her fro Kindergarten. I left the registrations so upset. In the medical news with Maddison we found out that she has the same heart condition I have but it is not as severe as mine. Thank God.
Me
Well the Month of March at work was really hard because I had 50 plus cases which does not sound like a lot but trust me it was. Between myself and my boss I am now have 26 cases which is so much easier. Other than that there has not a lot going on with me other than the normal stuff. I am still trying to decide if I want to go back to school but there is alot of factors involved which is why I have not made a decision. I am still thinking and praying.
Well that is all for now but be on the lookout for some new post.
Husband-
Matt is doing great. He has had a few rough weeks at work but will be finished with the police acadmey in 20 days. I can hardly believe it. Will be weird when he starts working night shifts but I think I am ready for it. Lol
KIDS
Kylie is doing great in school and will be moving on to 2nd second. She will also be turning 7 soon which is so hard to believe. She has been doing great in school. SHe loves math but is not a fan of reading which is weird since I love to read.
Maddison is going to be 5 in August. Man where does time go. 2 weeks ago I had quite a moment/milestone where I had to register her fro Kindergarten. I left the registrations so upset. In the medical news with Maddison we found out that she has the same heart condition I have but it is not as severe as mine. Thank God.
Me
Well the Month of March at work was really hard because I had 50 plus cases which does not sound like a lot but trust me it was. Between myself and my boss I am now have 26 cases which is so much easier. Other than that there has not a lot going on with me other than the normal stuff. I am still trying to decide if I want to go back to school but there is alot of factors involved which is why I have not made a decision. I am still thinking and praying.
Well that is all for now but be on the lookout for some new post.
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