Love... And letting go

I am a huge reader and therefore I am a huge believer in happily ever after...however sometimes that does not happen and we have to take what we are given and move forward with our own happily ever after. 

When I first got divorced I stayed away from romance stories( which are my go to reads) because of the pain I was in. Yet slowly i have been adding those back into my reading library. 

Tonight I was reading LETTING GO by Meg Jolie. This is the second book in the series. While it is a work of fiction, that does not mean that I can't learn from it. When I read regardless of the story I am always able to find something that sticks with me. 

Tonight it  was this line

"It was time to move on. While he would always hold a piece of her heart and soul it was time to take control of her life." 

These two simple sentence may not seem like a lot an yet to me they were life changing. I read them over and over and over.  For the last 18 plus months I have done everything in my power to act like I was no longer in love with my ex, it was and is a lie. Yes he hurt me and yes he did something awful in the end it does not change the way I felt about him for Almost half my young life.  Just because he stopped loving me in a short period of time does not mean I was able to turn it off so easy. He was my first love and is the father of my children. For that I will always love him.  If I hate him then am I not hating my own flesh and blood?

I am no longer in love with him. He is someone I used to know and love just like I am someone he used to know and love. We had good and bad times. We took on the adult life when we were both still babies ourselves. We had many struggles and challenges handed to us before we were even old enough to drink.  We grew up and grew apart. We wanted different things and that is ok. I think in the end if we had tried to make it work for the sake of our children all of us including the children would have been miserable and we would have hated each other. 

 

I truly think that in life we are given the ability to love many. I know that someday. It may not be today and it may not be tomorrow but someday there will be a man who walks in my life who will not want to walk out. My future is so much better than what I could have ever asked for. Yes there will be pain and yes there will be heartache. But life is not meant to be a easy journey. I want to know before I meet god that I have no regrets.

Many people have told me that it will get better and the pain will lessen. I can say that each and every day it does. I have spent alot of time looking at myself and knowing that while it ended, and I had my faults it was not all bad.

I think the fact that it has taken me so long to stop hiding from this truth will allow me to open up and be able to take control of my life. 

Catching up

Life.... 

Has a funny way if sneaking up on you and changing how things are going. For the last 11 years I have been slowly and painfully working towards my goal of getting a masters degree. Well as of August 10 I am the proud owner of a masters degree. I actually won't walk until December( long story) yet I am done. 

This change in my life is odd. For te last 11 years I have balance motherhood, school, sometimes work and being a wife. Yet in the last two years a lot and I do mean a lot has changed. I am no longer a wife and while I still struggle with my divorce daily i know in the end it was the best decision for me. I wish my kids were by hurt in the process and yet they are stronger from it.

I am no longer in school and have no plans to go back. This has been a huge change. I am still learning how to be still. 

I have lost quite a by of weight. This has been a challenge for me. As my life has been in chaos the last two years the only thing I have been able to control is my weight. Yet is was a unhealthy obsession. Yes I sill struggle with the scale and have been plateaued longer than I would like yet I am proud of the fact that in the last year I have lost 50 plus pounds. 

My relationships with my girls have become so much deeper. My girls have seen my struggle and yet at the end of the day they know that I love them.  This time together has allowed me to see that I will miss them when they are older yet I am enjoying them like crazy. 

The biggest and greatest change is my relationship with the LOrd. I was raised in the faith yet as time and struggles came on I slowly and quietly walked away from him. When I first was divorced I was so angry with him and it took close to a year to get over being angry with him. It also took him putting some people who did not know me in my life to show me that I was worth the gift that he was giving me of allowing me to have a second chance with him. I really have learned how to rely on him. In the good and in the bad I tune to him and ask for guidance. I definitely know that even when his answer is no there is a reason why. 

As you can see I have grown and changed and I am becoming a better and healthier person. 

30 Today!!!

I think there is something about the fact that I am turning 30!

I know that I have been dreading it for the past month but now that it is here I am excited about the prospects about what my life has in store for me! 

Many goals will be realized this year and many good things are to come


Happy birthday to me!!

My Next Thirty Years by Tim McGraw

I think I'll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it's time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I'm gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I've done
Maybe now I've conquered all my adolescent fears
And I'll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I'm gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I'm doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I'm gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I'll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years

Girls Time

This one involves my little ladies. As my little girls are coming up to their teen years I want them to know that they can always come to me and count on me.

This being said, I want to start spending more one on one time with them. Weather this be something like taking a walk around a lake or going to have tea. I plan to do something special with each of them every other month. I will start with Maddison first because she always gets picked last. Lol. Joys of being the youngest.  I plan to let each girl pick what we do and do exactly what they want. This will allow them to fell special.

This will have already started by the time this is posted but I will update when we do it!!

I am looking forward to this one the most!!

Wine tasting

Again a easy one but one I have always wanted to do and never did.

Would love to visit different winery's and learn about the wines. Some day I would love to go to napa on a huge wine tour.

Plan for this one is easy look for winery's in dallas and go visit.

Cooking Class

When I first decided to go back to school many years ago I debated being getting my bachelors degree and cooking to culinary school. I ended up not doing the culinary school but cooking is a passion of mine.

I don't get to do it to often because of my crazy schedule but I would love to take several this year to enhance my skills. I am not trying to be Julia Childs but if I have friends or family who want to come over then I can prepare a yummy meal.

The plan with this one will not start until the fall unfortunately. My schedule for the next several months is super crazy with school work and the girls that I would not have time to get it in. This gives me a little time to research what classes I want to take .

Marathon

Ok this one is a huge deal for me!! Being honest I am not sure I will be able to do it.  As you know I am in the process of losing weight. In the last few months I have been walking on the treadmill and I can fell that I am learning more and able to do more. However running for me is very hard since I have a heart condition which affects my lungs.

So here is my plan for this one. I am slowly going to start trying to walk more and as my weight goes down then I will be able to go faster.

If I can find a walk/run marathon. I plan to do the walk part of it!! I would like to do several of these before attempting to run.

So again if you know of any walk/run marathons in dallas/ north Texas area please let me know.

Hiking!!

I know this one is probably silly to some but I have never been hiking. I want to find a place either here in texa or in Oklahoma and hike it. Nothing big but another one of those accomplishments that I need.

If you know of any place in either state please drop me a comment!!

Sky Diving

This is one thing I always wanted to do. When I was a young teenager I stated that when I was 21 I was going to go sky diving for my 21st bday. We'll I was pregnant at 21 and then married so it never happened.

We'll as I enter this new phase in my life this is one of the first things I plan to do. I am going to jump from a plane.  Many people think I am crazy but for me this is about re-establishing who I am.

My plan right now is to pay for the jump on my birthday and then do the jump in march when it is a tiny bit warmer. I plan to go alone because this is not for others but is for me. I am paying to get pictures and video done so I will post those.

I am excited and if I like it I would love to do more jumps!!

Looking Back

In less than a month I will be the big 30. I remember when I was a teenager thinking that it was so far away and that It would never happen And yet here it is.

There were so many things that I experienced in my 20s that were great events and some that were not. I would have to say the biggest and greatest events of my 20s were the birth of my kids. The second greatest was completing my bachelors degree and starting my masters degree. I definitely have to say that the first accomplishment helped me with my second accomplishment.  I know that had I not had Kylie at age 21 there is no way I would be where I am now! I am extremely greatful to that little girl coming along when she did because it saved me from going now the wrong path.

There were other happy memories that I experienced in my 20's. my wedding. While it did not last and we are now trying to co parent the girls it showed me that l can be loved the way I am supposed to. While it did not last and I  saddened by that it brought me to the place where I am. Without it I would not have expierenxex the birth of my second little girl. I would have never met the great people I met in the military and I would have never ended up in Texas. I take many memories from that time but it is now time to look forward.


Over the next few weeks leading up to my bday I will post different post about things I want to do and hope to accomplish in the next decade.

Weight Watchers Update- Week 1 of 2013

It is hard to believe that it is 2013. I have been going pretty hard and strong with weight watchers. Even with the holidays I stayed on track with my diet. I did have a few rough patches but I am determined to get this weight off the healthy and right way.

I have been working on getting some issues worked out that involves some eating problems that I have been happening. Thankfully I think I have found a solution and this has been a big help.

My goal for January is to hit 185 by my birthday which is January 30th.

December 31st- 192.7
January 6th-190.3

Weight loss 2.4lbs this week!!

On track for 185 by 1/30/2013

Decemeber Challenge

On Facebook I follow several weight loss pages. These pages are of people who are on the same journey that I am on. This month one of the ladies posted a squat challenge. Each day you do a certain number of squats and the total for the month is 1640. I decided to practice in that challenge but to change it up some and do crunches. Now I don't have a set number per day but mu goal at the end of the month is 2500. Yes you read that right 2500. I will add a tracker on the side of my blog and update it weekly. Also for December I want to burn 2500 calories. I am aiming for more but really want 2500. I also have been doing a walking challenge where i am trying to reach 100 miles walked. I have been working on this one since November. I will trackers to the side for each goal. Can't wait to see if I can do it all!!

Redeemed

A few weeks ago I talked about how angry I was with god (see post here) however the last month or so I have been working out my issues of that I had with god and with my life in general. This song below is the first song that I heard when I was really down!! It speaks to me alot. I have been doing alot of praying, the girls and I are back in church praise god, I am no longer angry at him or even my ex. I have come to relaize that while we have out own plans for our lives there are times they are not our own and that god  is always in control

Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off theses heavy chains
Wipe away every stain now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed
All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet
I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

Still Here!!

So it has been a while since I last posted about my journey after divorce. However I needed to step back some and deal with some issues in my head. Part of the reason why I needed to pull back was because of the holidays coming up. My ex husband asked to separate the Monday after thanksgiving and I filed for divorce two weeks before Christmas and he was served two days after Christmas. So as you can imagine my heart is hurting at this time. I am still struggling some because he has been able to move on and while I no longer am wanting and hoping he would come back, I am still hurting over the fact that my life has changed so  much.

I really am doing alot better than I was a year ago, I am able to spend more time with my girls, I am working on getting healthy and some day I hope to find someone who gets me and respects me and my girls. However there have been a ton of challenges which I am having to adjust to. The biggest being financial issues.

So as we progress thru the Holiday season, I will be going home for Thanksgiving with my girls as it is my year with them. I know that going home for that holiday will be good, it will keep my mind of the last year and will allow me to have a small break from life. However Christmas this year will be hard since my ex has the girls. I am hoping that he will allow me to have them for a few hours but i am not getting my hopes up. If I dont' get them to see the on Christmas day, I will just plan my Christmas day for a Saturday that I have them and we will do it up. Christmas eve traditions and all. I am not going to let the fact that my life has changed to destroy the happiness that I have in my heart.

I know that I am getting stronger and better each and every day!!

Taking care of me

 As a woman we make a lot of sacrifices for our families and for me that is no exception.

For the last 10 years I put aside what I wanted and needed to make sure that Matt and my kids had everything they  wanted and needed and in the end that only hurt me.

As a single mom money is always tight but I plan to do one nice thing for myself regardless of the money that I will spend. It will not be big things but I know that in the end taking care of me will be better for my kids.

Thinking that when my ex has the kids for his weekend I will go and get a pedicure.

Pain!!

Divorce is such a painful event.

I know that for the past few months I have done all that I could to run from the pain that I have been feeling. However every day I wake up and the pain is there. I know that as time moves on the pain will lessen but right now it is my constant companion like the anger I carry.

I have had many people tell me that it will get better and while I believe that it will at some point, right now I am struggling with that a lot.

The girls and I are going home next month for thanksgiving and I am hoping and praying that the tiny break will allow me a chance to sit back and relax and digest this some.

Weight Watcher Week 7

After the rought week I had last week, I was determined that I was going to lose the weight that I gained plus more. Well this week was rough due to a Migraine that I got on Sunday and did not break until Friday. I actually ended up calling in sick becasue of the migraine on Friday. I am currently using activty link to track my activity and I am trying to hit a 100% or more every day but the last few days has been rough. This week I am going to try to hit the 100% or more so I can ear more activites.

Starting Weight-218.5
Current Weight -205.5

Weight loss of 2.2lbs
Total loss-13lbs

Holding it together

I have so many friends and family who tell me that try are proud of me for the accomplishments that I have achieved. Yet at the end of the day I still have a hard time with those accomplishments.

I know I should be proud of the fact that I am able to work a full time job, do a internship that is 60 miles away and still manage to go to school one night a week plus juggle my kids and their schedule.

However there are days that I feel like I am barely holding on. I know that feeling will pass and I will love what I have achieved but right now in the moment. I want to be weak and have a pity party. Yet I don't have time to sit around to feel bad.

This past week defintley showed me that I am not holding it togteher very well. For the last few months I have been havign some problems with my car where it makes this loud noise. On Friday I went to the mechanic hoping that it would not be too bad but knowing that it was going to be bad. Needless to say I learned that I needed a new alternator, some pulley things, new brakes and a brake fluid flush. Yea that was a fun day with a totla bill of 1460 dollars.

Needless to say I was a mess!! I blew my diet and spent several hours on the phone crying about how my life was worthless. Yea I know it is not worthless but when you have to max out a credit card it does feel pretty bad.

Slowly I am working to see that even though I did not chosse this life this is the life that I was given.

Grief

“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.”- Helen Rowland

 

After several months of coming to terms with my divorce I thought I was truly ok with everything however every time I look at my kids I wonder if there was any way that I could have made my marriage work. I know that deep down it was time for us to end it because we were both miserable and no longer made each other happy.

However in the last few weeks I have been trying to overcome the anger that I have.

I am angry at everyone including god.

Yes it is wrong to be mad at god but right now I so angry about the fact that my life is not how I wanted ti to be and yes I know that life is not always however we want it to be.

The anger at this point is my security blanket. If I am angry then I don’t have to let anyone in and I won’t get hurt yet I know that I can’t raise my kids like this.

I am going to spend the next few weeks overcoming the anger and realizing that while the divorced happened and my life was turned upside down.  I was also given a second chance to life my life without being controlled by someone else.

Here’s hoping to the anger leaving me alone so that I can be a strong woman raising my babies.

Weight Watchers Week 6

This week has been a hard week becasue of some car problems that I had. So Friday and Saturday night I gave into my bad days and blew my diet completely out of the water. This week I am hopign to stay on track .

Starting Weight-218.5
Current Weight-207.7

Weight Gain-.02- Going to be busy this week getting this weight back down!!