This past weekend was the anniversary of my mom passing away 5 years ago. Yet for me it is mixed blessing and sadness at the same time. My mom and I did not have the best relationship and has no relatiosnhip from the time I was 10 on. There were things she did and said that she never have done or said. Plus she did not protect me from 2 men who did terrible things to me. For me it is a good thing that she is no longer here because she caused so much drama ( years of fighting, having my dad arrested, false charge with the police and CPS, YES She was that great). However on the other hand I am saddened by the fact that we never will be able to resolve the issues that we had. She passed away never hearing me say I forgive her. Plus I missed so many of the mother/daughter relationship that we all look forward to. However the biggest sadness for me is knowing that my mom died thinking I hated her.
My mom passed away right after my youngest was born. I remember my dad and step mom calling me. I remember feeling numb by the fact that she was gone. However I was not sad by the fact she was gone. I remember going to Matt's job and telling him and trying to force myself to make tears. I remember going to her memorial service and thinking that I was glad she was gone(awful I know). However I look back at that time and know that I was saddened by the fact that I never got the chance to say good bye.
I have had so many things happen that I wish I could have shared with her and because I can't I am going to share it here. I am hoping it will help with the pain I feel.
* I love her and forgave her many years ago
* I wish she would have loved me enough to believe me when I told her about my issues
* I wish she was there when I got married
* I wish she could have met Matt
* I wish she could have been there when I had the girls
* I wish I could talk to her on a daily basis. I have so many things I need wisdom on and really have no one to turn to.
* I wish she would have loved me as much as she loved my brother.
I look at my girls and hope and pray they never have to feel the way I do. I love my girls and could never imagine not seeing or talking to them for 10 years. I could never imagine my girls getting married and having babies without me being there. I will do what I can to keep a relationship with them. When I tuck them in to bed tonight I will kiss them and give them a big hug not only for me but for my mom who will never meet her grand kids.