Monday, May 31, 2010

Manic Monday

This Manic Monday I have a request that can;t be filled at this time but i can't wait until the day it does.

For this Manic Monday, I want to be a stay at home mom again. I want to be able to spend more than 3 hours a day with my kids. I want to stop stressing about my job even when I am off from work.

Yet at this time this can't happen becuase Matt and I need to pay off more of the big bills like student loans,mortage and the cars.

Hopefully it will only be a few more years until I can go back to being a stay at home mom.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Our Weekend

We had a busy weekend around here.

Matt graduated from the police academy and is now going to being on the streets of Dallas. Plus I will be sleeping alone.

ALso on Friday was Kylies 7th birthday. Hard to believe she is 7. She was born weighing 9 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches long. Now she is skinny minnies. Here are some pictures of her birthday.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Baby obssessed or Crazy

So if you were to ask my husband I am baby obsessed and while I do agree with him on some level I am not as obsessed as some people.

I was watching a show on TLC called 70 and Pregnant. What are you kidding me? 70.

So as the show got under Way it showed several mothers. One who never had kids and did it because of cultural reasons, one because she never wanted children then met her spouse who is 20 year younger than her, a third who has 10 yes 10 KIDS from 2 men and waited 21 years later to have 2 more. The Last one is a 60 year old woman who married a man in her 40 who wanted kids and she had not one but two pregnancy one which resulted in twins.

I understand the need to have a child because we have a family member who just had a baby and I was holding him the other day and could feel my clock ticking yet at the same time I would not risk my life to have a child at 65 years old.

All of the women on the show did use IVF which I know has some pros and cons but when do we determine as a society that there are risk to older women who want to have a baby and have to say no to that women. In the US there is no age limit yet in the UK they do have a age limit but most of those women chose to come over to the US to get IVF.

One thing all the women say is that they are better being older moms because they have more patients and have more experiences. Yet on the other hand someone who is older has all kind of medical problems that could be made worse by the pregnancies.

I read the article and think that the author has some valid points.

I am not knocking older moms or IVF but I just wonder when do we say enough is enough?

Monday, May 24, 2010

Manic Monday- Fullfilled

So for the last few weeks I have been looking at a book reader. For mothers day Matt told me to pick out and we would get it.

I am a big reader and have hundreds of books and have spent hundreds of dollars on books. While the up front cost of the nook is alot(400) in the end it will pay for itself and will save me tons of money on books.

P.S. I have already finished 3 books.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Manic Monday-

This Monday I would like my husband to get rid of the 2 dogs that we have. I can barely stand them most days and wish that they were gone.

My husband and I got both daisy which was fine she was a great dog but sicne we have gotten Sasha, she has though daisy all the bad habits she has. This includes chewing on things, digging holes and barking at all hours.

I would like one day of them not hear.

Wishful Thinking

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Where does the time go!!

In my life in the past year there have been several big changes and it hard to believe that a year has passed.
Last May I finally earned my college degree. I left school not knowing if I would find work because of the down economy. Yet a year later I sit with a job that can drive me nuts some days but I also sit with a job that I love on some days. Yes helping people can be hard but also rewarding. You never know when you may bring someone some small sense of peace. This job has provided me and the girls with good health insurance and a big sense of peace because I can pay my bills.
The other big change in our lives at this time was that we were prepapring to leave the Army. Where we have endured several deployments but we also enjoyed alot of stability. We left the army with some money in our account, no jobs and 2 kids to take care of. We left the army with the small hope that matt would get hired by the dallas Pd. Yet we did not know if/when that would happen. I am thankful that he did get hired by the Dallas pd becuase it allowed us to make another big change.
This last big change was buying the new house. Even though it seems like we are never going to be out of debt we have a house where we can raise our childrne without having to worrying about staying in an apartment.

Yet here we siit a year later with a new house, jobs and we are healthy at this time.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Life lessons for my daughters!!!

I saw this idea over at my best friends blog ( diecided that I wanted to particapte but I tweaked it some. I think there are all life lessons that girls/young women should learn from thier mothers

5 things I want them to know about me
1. That when the going got tough I never gave up. I think too many people take the easy way out and I can say I have never tired to do that
2. That I am a daughter of god and I will see them in heaven.
3. I want them to understand the relationship I have with my parnets and also my mother. I think they need to know at some ppoint all i went thru but I will ot tell them until they are older.
4. That i wanted them very much and was happy to give them life and that they have given me so many blessings and joy
5. That I would not change one minute of my life.

5 Things I want them to learn from me
1. How to put make up on properly. I refuse to have slutty girls
2. How to chose a mate that will love/honor/ cherish them.
3. How to give back to others
4. How to love god and to follow and obey his word as best as they can
5. That whatever path thier life takes thme I will support them even if they are not something I would agree with.

5 things they need to never give up on
1. Thier life. Regardless of how hard life may get they should never think about hurting themsleves
2. Each other. They are the only sisters they will ever have and they need to cherish that
3. Thier education- As long as they do what they want to do they need to keep working on bettering thier lives
4. Best Friends- They need to make a life long buddy becuase I know without Brandi I would have not known where to turn
5. God- They always need to love/honor and obey god regardless of life.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Manic Monday

So this Manic Monday, I would like 20 minutes of peace and quite with out the girls at the end of the day. I know that is not realistic.

After dealing with Clients all day I would enjoy this time to decompress from the stress of my job.

Not a bi Manic Monday but I am tired and need to hit the sack

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Do you play favorites??

So I was listening to the radio the other day and they were talking about if parnets really paly favoirtes in their family.

I can say in my family when I was growing up therer were defintie favoirtes and I was no one. When I lived with my Mom and brother, she would favor him over me becuase she only eanted to have a boy and was not happy that she had a girl.

When I went to live with my dad, stepmom and her children, I was hopefull things would change but this time I can say that I was not the least favorite but that that slowly chnaged as my attiudte towards my step mother chnaged and her and I no longer got a long. I am still no longer the favorite of the family and I am ok with that because I dont have to live up to other people's expectations.

So where does this lead me. Lately I have been thinking if I had been playing favoirtes with my own children and I wish I could say that I dont but I have to say that I play favoirtes on both girls for different things.

For Kylie she is my favoirte when she gets in bed and goes to sleep without fighting. On the other hand she drives me nuts when in the morning she won't get up. Biggest pain in the world. Maddison on the other hand will fight sleep for 3 hours and get up the next morning no problem.

I also think I play favoirtesw when it comes to punishment. With Kylie all we have to do is ground her and she gets back in line and we have no problems for a while. Yet Maddison on the other hand we could beat(we don't) and she would look at us and ask us for another spanking(she has done this)

Yet in the end I love my girls equally and would give the same punishment to both girls due to the crime they commit.

What do you think, do you play favoirtes?

Friday, May 7, 2010


Wow I never thought I would be posting that my youngest is graduating from preschool. For me it was very emotional because she is my last baby for the next 5 years to go to school. As we got to the church this morning where they were having it at the daycare had set up a power point and maddison's baby picture popped up. I started crying immediately. Matt was making fun of me for it. Maddison did really good she got her diploma and a award for most cheerful. We then went to chuckie e cheese where we were there for an hour because Matt worked late last night and he was very tired.
Such a sad day for me but also a happy day because it means she is growing up and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Loving ... Romantically or Dutifully

I was reading this book a few nights ago and this phrase popped out to me about how she was questioning wheater or not her husband loved her romantically or dutifully. Well this got me thinking and seeing how I woke up thinking about it the next morning i knew it was meant to be a post. So here we go my ramblings on love.

Merriam Webster has this definiiton about love: strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love

I have been thinking ablot about love. Matt and I have hit a rough patch in our marriage where we both are working like crazy, trying to manage the bills and the kids and there seems to be little time for us. This has been a greater stressor to me becuase he feels nothing is worng yet when I read this line the other night it got me wondering does he love me out of romance or because he has to becuase of duty.

When you start dating things are great there are no problems and you know someday you will get married and have babies and if those things dont happen you move on. Yet when you do find that one things are great. I think for Matt and I we have been through so much with him deploying that we would get to do the whole new love thing over again and now that he is home constantl we are having to find a new balance. This is the romantic love where things are great and where you hope to never leave.

Yet there is the dutifull love. The one where you make yourself tell him you love him even though him leaving the toilet seat up for the million. I think we all get into a rut of where we feel like it is dutifull love rather than romantic love and that is ok becuase there are times that we need to remind oursleves why we feel in love. Yet how do you bring yourslef back? For matt and I it is a night out. That may sound kooky but we had Kylie before we got married so that is how we get our relationship back.

I think there are times that perople go lookign fro romantic love in the arms of someone else and end up regretting it becuase if they would have taken the time they could have found a way to become romantically in love again.

Before I start getting beat let me say this. I think there are times when divorce is the only option yet I think divorce has become to easy fro people to use. Rather than fighting for thier marriage they would rather walk away becuase it is to much work to try to save thier marriage.

PS. My title came from a romance novel.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Maybe a Baby?

So my hubby and I have been having this debate about having another baby. I would have liked to had our 3rd and last baby about 2 years ago but seeing how he was in Iraq that would have caused some problems. He would like to wait until 2013 to have another baby. At this point I should mention that I have an IUD that must come out May 2013 and I do not plan on having another put in as they hurt. SO the debate between myself and my hubby is weather or not we wait. Waiting a few years may not make a differences but I have a few good and a few bad points about waiting.

The Good-
Pay off some debt
will be able to stay home

The Bad
I will be 30 or 31 before the baby comes
Kylie will be 10 or 11, and Maddison will be 7 or 8.
not sure if I will be able to get pregnant

So while I wait for my Husband to make up hie mind I look at other babies in hope that I will get to have one last one.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I wonder....

Lately I have been thinking about my mom alot. My relationship with my mother was hard and for a good 10 years there was no relatioship. I will supply a little background about us. My mom and dad married when my mom was in her mid 20's and had me a few years later. During the pregnancy my mom wanted a boy and needless to say when she found out I was a girl she was not happy. Fast forward a few years, my mom got the boy she wanted but then my parnets marriage broke up. I lived with my dad for a number of years but when my dad remarried he thought it would be best if I lived with my mom. To this day My dad and I both regret him sending me back there because maybe my life would have been easier. My MOM was very abusive. Not only verbally but also physically. She would throw things at us like pots, knives and even hot food. She would also have these rages where she would come home from work and regardless of the time she would trash every room in the house. I remember one night she got home at 2 am, trashed the enotre house and then woke me up to clean. She did not wake my brother up. There was also a time that my mom threw my brother into a wall where he cracked his head open and when we went to the hospital she told them I had hit him with a stick.I agreed but only beciase she had threatend to kill not only me but my dad who I loved extremenly. Needless to say I took a beating of my life that night becuase she managed to coinvicne herslef that I had hrt him.
This went on for a number of years and during that time I was also being sexually abused by not only my step fatehr bit also by my grandfather. The abuse with them went on fro about 4 years until my mom divorced my step father and my grandfather passed away. Once all these things happened I was release from the sexuall abuse but did not get away from the physical abuse until 3 years later.
I managed to get away frim the abuse at my mothers hands when I went to live with my dad at the age of 10. During the time I liveed with my mom my dad never knew what was going on. Once I got away from my mom I had no conatct with my mom until I was 20. Right after I turend 20 I gave birth to Kylie and my mother found out that I had a baby. I saw my mom 3 times during the first year of Kylies life but could never forgive or forget what had happened. The last time I saw my mom I told her I would never forgive her and that I hated her. Fast forward 2 years later and I had just had Maddison whne I recieved a phoen call letting me know that my mom had died in a fire. While I was sad that she passed I really had no emtion about her death because I had lost my when I was 10. I did go to the funeral service for her but while everyone was crying and saying what a great person she was I wanted to stand up and scream that she was not that great.
Well the reason why I have been thinking about her so much is because my kids are gettign older and I never want to lose my relationship with them. I never want them to have to wonder about me. I never want them to feel the hole I have in my heart where she no longer is. I miss that I don't have someone who I trust and admire that I can go to when I am having a rough day or when/if I have another baby.
Everytime I hear the Kelli Pickler song I have to stop and cry a few moments becuase I do wonder if she ever loved me and what could casue a mother to hate her child so much.
I leave you with this: always tell your children you love them regardless of how you may be feeling at that time because you don't want them to wonder how you truly felt for them.

A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved.
- Kate Samperi, "Mothers"

"I wonder by Kellie Pickler
Sometimes I think about you.
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' about me.
And would you even recognize,
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be.
Cuz I look in the mirror and all I see,
Are your brown eyes looking back at me.
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

I think about how it ain't fair.
That you weren't there to braid my hair like mothers do.
You weren't around to cheer me on.
Help me dress for my high school prom like mothers do.
Did you think I didn't need you here.
To hold my hand, to dry my tears.
Did you even miss me through the years at all?

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

Such a simple word.
But its so hard to do.
When you've been hurt.

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
And just in case you're wondering about me.
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off to Tennessee

Monday, May 3, 2010

Manic Monday

My best friend in the whole world does a post each Monday about things she wants and may or may not be able to get.

So for my very first manic monday I would like to be enitely debt free my the end of 2012. While I know this may be relaistic for things like out credit cards and one of the car payments I do not think this will happen on the house as our mortage is still over 200k and becuase I have 30k in student loans. The reason why I hope for this though is then I could stay home once matt and I have another child(if that ever happens). That is my manic Monday wish.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

To work or not to work

So the Jon/Kate situation has mostly played its self out in public but after thinking about how Kate must be feeling I want to throw my 2 cents in. This is my vent. IF you don't like it don't read it.

I have been working since the age of 15. I worked forty hours when I got pregnant with Kylie plus I went to College full time. I then got married and worked for about 10 months and then had to be put on bed rest for my last pregnancy. By then Matt was in the army and we made decision that I would finish college and not work. I did put my kids in daycare but I also had them home alot. The plan when he went into the military was for me to get my degree and he would get out of the military. This would allow us to be in a better position financially. Well that is what we did. I got my Bachelors of Social work last May and when Matt left the Army in July I was looking for a Job. With the economy being as bad as it is/was we worried but we knew we would be ok because we had savings. Thankfully I found a job so we did not have to dip into it too much.

Yet I go to work on a daily basis and there are days I want to leave and never return yet I keep going because I have 2 kids relying on my checks. As for Kate she is doing what she needs to do to provide for those kids. If she did not work I don't see Jon running out to get a job so then she and those 8 beautiful kids would be on welfare and then she would be criticized for doing that. She will never be able to catch a break. As women we need to support other women and stop trying to tear them down.

As women we have to be perfect. We have to take care of the family and also in a day and age where the man can't provide on his own the wife needs to step up and help. While I know that SAHM have a taxing and tiring job I think that working moms have the same about of work plus they also have the stress and guilt about leaving their kids at daycare and going out to work. I applaud all working moms who do what they have to for their families and take a lot of heat from SAHM. I love my kids this as must as I did when I was home with them.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

About time for an update!!

I am still around and kicking. It has been a crazy few months in my life and I am just getting caught up.SO here is an update on my life

Matt is doing great. He has had a few rough weeks at work but will be finished with the police acadmey in 20 days. I can hardly believe it. Will be weird when he starts working night shifts but I think I am ready for it. Lol

Kylie is doing great in school and will be moving on to 2nd second. She will also be turning 7 soon which is so hard to believe. She has been doing great in school. SHe loves math but is not a fan of reading which is weird since I love to read.

Maddison is going to be 5 in August. Man where does time go. 2 weeks ago I had quite a moment/milestone where I had to register her fro Kindergarten. I left the registrations so upset. In the medical news with Maddison we found out that she has the same heart condition I have but it is not as severe as mine. Thank God.

Well the Month of March at work was really hard because I had 50 plus cases which does not sound like a lot but trust me it was. Between myself and my boss I am now have 26 cases which is so much easier. Other than that there has not a lot going on with me other than the normal stuff. I am still trying to decide if I want to go back to school but there is alot of factors involved which is why I have not made a decision. I am still thinking and praying.

Well that is all for now but be on the lookout for some new post.