Sunday, December 16, 2007


I so can not wait until matt is back because I am so horny. I know this gross but it is true. Having to go for 6-9 months without some can drive a person nuts. Can not wait until matt is home. I will defintley be busy then.

Going "HOME"

While many military spouse move home to be with thier family during a deployment, I have choosen not to. My family on the other hand thinks that I should drop everything and move back "home" with them. Yet I refuse to and here is the simple answer. My home is with my husband, my husband abd I have made Fort polk our home unitl we get out of the military. My home is where I am loved. While I know my family likes me they do not love. My husband(who is the greatest husband and father) has given up his freedom until 2009 so that I would feel love. My husband loves me regardless of the mistakes I have made.(which have been many). Home is where my husband is and right now my home is fort polk.

Also my family has never ever been supportive of me would never help me relaize my dreams of being a socila worker, yet my hsuband has taken on a 60k debt so that I can provide a better life for my kids.

Yet I do plan to go to my parnets home for visit I will never truly feel at home there because the man I love is fighting for our freedom.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Gained a pound but loss a inch

So after injuring my foot I was worried I would gain alot of weight back. While I have gained a pound back I have loss a inch off my waist/hips. I also loss half a inch off my abs. While I knew that I would gain some back after losing 5.5 last week. This I hve lost 3.5 pounds, I am very happy about the weight loss. I have been working out alot. I started using my biggest loser dvd and let me tell u I can feel the difference. My body is sore but only in my legs. Which is good because I need to lose a lot more weight off of my weight. THE good thing about losing weight is that alot of people ahve noticed it and tell me how great I looks. Makes me wonder what they thought of me when I was fat. Also another good/ bad thing is that all of my jeans are getting too big. This is good because it menas what I am doing is working. It is abd because it means I need to buy new clothes. Yet I am happy where I am and can't wait to lose more.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


So my semsemter is finally over. I did really good even though it was a rough time with matt leaving.
In my
Online Human Behavior class I got a A
In Human Behavior 2 class I got a B
In my Generalists practice class I got a A.

All of theses classes are part of my social work degree. If I get a B or better in these classes I can get my masters degree and instead of it taking 2 years it will only take a year which is what I need.


So I have been havign alot of issues with my foot. I finally went to the doctor and he told me I have 2 torn ligaments. Yet instead of fixing it they put me in a air cast for the next six weeks and it could be a lot longer. So now I can't reach my 100 miles before christmas. I did make it to 75 miles. I figured this is a good thing.

Working Out

So tonight I did 25 minutes of my cardio workout with the biggest loser dvd and let me tell u it kicked my butt. I then did 16 minutes of weight lifiting which I can already "feel the burn". Hopefully this will help me lose teh inches off of my baby belly. That is my one big trouble area.Yuck. I feel so good. I am so proud of myself

Monday, December 10, 2007


It seems like everywhere I turn lately there is someone pregnant or they ahve a new baby. I have always been a baby person and would love to have a dozen or at least 1 more. My sister is pregnant with a little girl and I am so jealous of her. I wish it was me. Brandi my best friend in the whole is talkig about having another child with her man. Yet I have been married for so long and can not get him to make up his mind aout what he wants. Before he left in March he was dead set against not having another child and yet he gets hurt in Iraq and he changes his mind again. Then he gets home and back into real life and the decisiosn is changed again. I am hoping that he will get back to Iraq and fianlly make up his mind. I almost feel like he is playing games with me. I love him but I am frustrtaed becuase I don't want to keep having kids into my 30's. I also understand that matt is 22 and he feels like he as already lived his life. I understand that compltely. He had kylie when he was 17 and had not graduated high school. We were married when he was only 19 and maddison was born when he was 20. I understand that he feels like he was cheated of his life becuase he got stuck with me and 2 kids. Yet I want to know how he really feels. Am I wrong to be feeling this way oris it normal of me?


These last two weeks have been rough. It has been a wierd adjustment getting back into the routine of doing everything myself. I feel as if my life is at a stand still. I keep expecting matt to walk back in the front door and me go make dinner and us have family time. Now most nights I don't even feel like eating dinner or even cooking dinner for myself. Like Today all I had was a 100 caliore granola bar, a 120 caloire granola bar,a bag of popcorn that had a hundered caliores , 1 blueberry waffle which had 50 which includes butter and syrup and half of a ww meal which was maybe 90 cliores. This has me a little it worried because I know I need to eat more but the thought of food has me sick.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Life without sex

OK SO it has not even been 2 weeks and I am already horny. How am I going to get till march of 09 with basically no sex. I feel so awful. I WANT AND NEED MATT. Me so horny

Hard not knowing

So asa army wife u get use to hearing your man say"I can't tell u that". In the civilian world those words would not fly. U would expect a good answer. Well as a wife of one of those people it is the hardest words to hear because u never know if he will be able to tell u agagin. Like I know my husband loves me but I wish just once he would say I am goign on a mission. If I don't make it remember I love u. It would be hard to hear but at lease t it would be the truth.

I have not heard from matt since last night and while that may not sound like a big deal it is. Because I know he doing somethign that could get him killed. I keep wondering if he knows I love him and that girlss and I will always rememebr him as our hero. I wonder if he remembers taht he has something worth fighting for, I alos wonder will he still love me should soemthign happen to him.

So ladies and gentleman when u tell your loved one that u love him/her rememebr that there are wives and husband who might get a chance to say 0or hear those from thier soulmate. Make sure u say those words even when u are fighting. Cherish those words becuase there are peopel who will never hear a again.

As I look back on the past week I try to rememeber to love often, live well, and never let the thoughts go unspoken. Life is abotu what u make. As a army wife I try to make so that my soilder knows how much I love and miss him.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

so damn mad

So I just got off the phone with hubby. Sounds like they are moving to their final destination. It is 11 30 pm here and 8 am there. It was nice to hear from him tonight because I am having a really hard time with this deployment.

I am mad at the us government for making my husband go over there twice in one year.
I am mad at the fact that he went around a holiday
I am mad at everyone who's spouse or loved one is home with them
I am mad that my kids might lose their father
I mad that my kids have to know what Iraq is
I am mad that I can not spend 5 more minutes with the my soul mate.
I am so mad at myselff.
I am mad taht he is gone
I am mad at the world.

As I was on the phone the tonight with him I starte dto ball. I had promised myself I would never let him know how uoset I was. I cried for a good 3 minutes on the phone with him. I never wanted him to hear how hard this was on me. I wante dhim to know I coukd keep it together, I don't want him to be worrying about me when he needs to be worrying about his job. He is my everything and I AM not sure what I wouls do with out him. I love and need him so much. Tonight has been one of those nights where I need a gallon of ice cream and a glass of wine. Since i HAVE NEITHER I am blogging. It is now 1145 I have been crying since 1128. This is the longest I have cried since he left. I miss him so bad it hurts. I can;t enjoy the holidays becuase I know he will bw in harms way.

I never let my girls see me cry becuase I to not wnat this to touch thier young lives. It is hard being the mother and father while he is gone. I keep waiting for him to walk in the front door and tell me everything is ok. Yet I know that won't happen and it won't be ok until he get backs in 15 months.

Matt , if u read this I wnat you to know that u are very very loved and taht we miss u so much. We need you to come home to us and never leave again. Also, know that we are very proud of u for making these scafirices. Also u are our hero.
We love u and miss please stay safe.

Jessica and the Girls

Friday, December 7, 2007

The reason for the season

So my friend Brandi posted a blog about christmas season. This got me thinking.

For me when I was younger christmas was only abput getting gifts. I also never really belived in the whole santa thing becuase my mom told me that he did not exist when I was 5. As I grew older my dad and stepmom taught me the real reson for the season. I learned that we need to give glory to god and always honor him regardless of the day. Also christmas was a big family thign we would wake u and do stockign first which I think is the best becuase I made myslef believe there was a santa I still love stockings. My step mom would make choclate chip pancakes which are my absloute favorite. We would then open presets and the rest of the day we would hang around the house. Now that I have kids I am tyring instill those beliefs into my kids.

Even though matt is Iraq we are going to keep things as normal as possible. Yet we are going to add a few in becuase it is time. Every year we make christmas cookies with the gilrs and I did that with the girls and matt before he left. This year I am goign home and I plan on spending christmas eve making cookies with teh girls. Also we take the girls around to look at lights on christmas eve. That too will be continued. Also we leave milk and cookies for sanat and a carrot for the reeindeer and that will contnue this year. The new thing we had planned on doing was reading the christmas story to kylie. Even though matt is not here I am goign to read it to her. I want her to know about jesus and why we celebarte christmas. She needs to know that christmas is not only about presents but it is also about the birth of jesus christ.

I am alos plannign on talkign to her about why daddy is in Iraq and what he does and how proud of him we are. This will help her to have a better understanding of why matt is there..

Please remember the troops that are overseas and are unable to spend the time with thier families.

Good Week

So this week has been a ood week for my weight loss. I am now down to 177.5. I am so happy by this number and figure once I can get back into doing my workouts I will see a little bit more of a weight loss. My goal is to be down to 125 by may or june. I have lost 5.5 pounds this week.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Working out and giving up

So today I was all set to go to the colf course and walk so that I could get my workout in. Yet when I went to take the girls to school I started to feel yuck so I decieded to come home and see how I felt later. Well at 10 am I decided to go to the gym and walk and unfortuanlty I got on the treadmill and walked one mile and gave up. My food is strating to bother me so I deiceded to give myself a brake. On ther hand my weight is still 179 which is great because I can not remeber the last time I weighed this much. i can not wait to get down to my goal weight of 125 pounds.
Also I have not heard from matt which makes me nervous but I know he is working and he is not always able to call or email me .

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

2 more pounds gone.

So 2 more pounds gone. I am down to 179.

Monday, December 3, 2007

2 pound weight loss plus I worked out.

So I lost 2 pounds today that has me so happy. I am now back down to my origanl weight that I was before all the stress of matt 's deployment got to me. Also I went and walked the golf couse this morning and let me tell u it wa shard because it was frezzing but I am so proud of myself. Yea go me.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Good Day

So laltely I have been eating whenever I was bores. Yet today I was good I had
soup at 380 caloires for a total of 2 servings
popcorn at 100 caloires
ww ravoili at 290 caloires and a diet SODA.

I am so proud of my self. Yea go me.

Update: weight

So since the 15 of october I have gained back 4 pounds. I have been eatign bad which is not a good thing. I have been able to maintain my weight which is good. Also I am getting back on my diet tomorrow. Today I chaged how I am eating. i am hoping that the change will show up tomorrow on the scale. I also plan on working out tomorrow and weight lifting agin. I also have changed my weight loss goal. I would like to get down to 125 pounds which is a realistic GoAL. Matt is suppposed to be home sometime next summer and my goal is to be down to 150 pounds. Wish me luck

Update: Matt Left

So Matt left on tuesday to go back to Iraq. It was very hard for me to let him go this time because I know it is going to be for a long period of time. The girls are doign ok it with him being ogne. It is me who is having a rough time dealing with it. I hate sleeping alone, I hate fixing dinner for just the 3 of us, I hate coming home to a empty house and know that he will not be here waiting for me. I hate the fact that he is gone before christmas. I think that is what makes it so much harder. He left before christmas and will not be here to spend the time with us. I am so over this war. I say drop a nuclear bomb in them and let them deal with it. I am sick of sending innocent gusy over there to lose thier life because of soemones else war.While I don't support the war Ido support are troops because are doing what they being old to do but damn it is pisses me off.