Thursday, July 31, 2008

My new favorite food

So latley I have been on a fruit kick but there are only 2 fruits that I am craving like all the time. The first one I have been tearing up is blueberries. The funny thing though is that I hate blueberries but latley they have been so good.

The second thing I hve been eating like crazy is clementines. I saw a ad for some on friday and went to the store yesterday and bought a bag. Well I went bck tody and bougth 2 more bags of clementine.s They are yummy. In the last 2 days I have had 10 of these. I figure it is better that I eat these instead of ice cream.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Am I losing too fast!!

So matt left on July 5th and on that day I weighed 154.5 and here it is 15 days later and I weigth 146.5. I am sure tomorrow I will lose another half pound or so. While I hve managed to get back where I was when he came home I feel that I am losing way to much way to fast. I know part of it has to be because I am depressed about him going back to Iraq and when I get depressed I don't eat. I have to force myself to eat dinner and even when I do that I feel sick. I have been trying to eat more but it is fight and I feel like I am losing it. I will be so happy when matt makes it home and I can eat.

Yummy Pizza!!!

So here is another great recipe that I have made and love!!

Spinach Pizza
1 pizza pie crust
1/2 alfredo sauce
2 cups chopped spinach(could be fresh or frozen)
1 cup of shredded mozzarella cheese

Place pizz pie crust on pan. Spred the alfredo sauce on the pie crust. Then top with spinach, and cheese. Bake in oven at 450 degrees for 10 15 minutes.

Caloires- 274
Total fat- 11.6
saturated fat- 4.3
sodium- 491.9
potassium- 83.7
total carbs- 31
dietry fiber-1.3
sugar- 2.1
protien- 10.9

Viatmin A- 31.1
Vitamin c 7.0
Vitamin e- 1.4
calicum- 21.5

Serves 4. 2 slices per serving!!!

You could add different vegetables .

Friday, July 18, 2008

Fear of love!!!

So Matt and I have been married for 4 yers yet there have been aloy of times that I have doubted his love. This has nothign to do with him but has to do completely with my past and my family.

My mother expressed her love by beating the crap out of us and lettign some SOB moleste me for years and when I tried to tell her what was happening she did not believe me. I did finlly get away from her but it was hell and until the day she died I never forgave her because she never wanted to believe that what she did was wrong!!! To this day the way she treated me has left me frid to believe that I could love without being hit.

Then I moved in with my dad and my stepmom. I love my dad to pieces but he never acted like a father to me. My step mom was the one I went to when I needed soemthing and who punished me. Yet I never could trust her because of what my mom did to me and also because of the hurtful things she said to me. Yes, I was not a easy child because of my past and I never made it easy for him but it is like they gave up with me. I would do things to get my dads attention and he would deal with me and then move on. To this day I am not comfortable around them because of this.

Yet, there are other things. When I got pregnant with my oldest they were mad at me and mad at matt but they never blamed me. The blme always feel on him. Even when it was brought up that it took they blamed. When we got married they act like they could care less. Neither one was invovled with anything to do with it. They paid for some yet, most of it feel on matt's parnets and myslef. When we moved to Nashville they were mad becasue he was taking thier grand baby away. Yet we needed to do what was best for us and that was it.

They treat matt like he does not matter to them. They love my kids but there is such a strain with them that it is hard for us to visit.

Matt loves me but there is so much in my past that makes me wonder all the time if he loves me or if he will find me too much of a pain to keep going along. There are times when I wish I could have had different and easier life because then I would not feel so insecure about my marriage but then I know that the life I have lived has given me purpose to keep on going. My past has made me stronger for the future.

I have manage to find a man that loves me regardless of my flaws and trust me there are thousands. I have 2 great kids who love me even when my day is going bad. They are my greatest accomplishment. I am almost a college gradute and let me tell you that has not been a easy journey. I have also manged to lose almost 90 pounds in the last year.

Sorry to complain but it has been a rough few weeks on my end!!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Silence is defined as the absence of sound.

So I have decided that I hate the silence. Once the kids are in bed and asleep I walk around my house trying to keep busy and even finding ways to make myslef go to sleep. Even having the tv on does not help becasue the silence is always following me. In a room full of people I can hear the silence of my house and bed calling me. The silence in my life will not leave until my honey returns from war. Silence is something that I live with but I can honestly say I hate it. I have learned to live with it but I will never get use to it.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Feeling like a single mom!!

So ever since Matt left to go back to Iraq I am feeling like a single mom. I do everything for the girls: cook, clean, lundry, baths, bedtime routine, and all the other numeorus things we moms do yet I am not a single mom because I have a wonderful husband who works so that I can finish school. Yet I feel like I never see him. Our wedding anisvary is next week and we will have been married for 4 years yet we hve spent one of our annissvarys together, and maybe have spent a year and half together. . I am greatful for all that he is done but I wish for more time together. Hopefully after this deployment life will be normal.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Update Time

Well Matt made it back home on June 16th and we enjoyed 18 days together. We did lots of things
We bought a new car which ended up being a 2006 ford explorer which is fully loaded. Yes gas prices re going sky high but we need the room.
We then went down to FLordia for about a week. During that time Matt and I went to a baseball game, stayed on St pete beach for 3 days and then we picked up the girls so they could sty with us for a day. They had a lot of fun and so did we. On the last day we took the girls to disney where they had ton of fun and enjoyed spending time with thier dad.
When we got back to Fort Polk we just hung out and tried to ignore the fact that Matt would have to go bck to Iraq.

Well the day came for matt to go back and it was very tough on all of us. I will be so glad when he is home for good. I only hope he cn find something s a carrer that is not

As for my weight I gained about 10 pounds back but I am slowly working on getting it off.

Well that is it for now my emotions are all over the