Monday, March 31, 2008

Alli Part 2

So It has ben 2 weeks since I started taking the Alli pill and I can say that it is working for me. I have lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. I am so happy about this weight loss. Now If I could only decide what my ending weight would be. When I started this journey I said 140 but I never thought that I would make it to my weigth loss. Yet I am not sure if that is where I want to stop. I might change my goal weigth once I get to 140 but it depends on how I feel. I am still amazed at myself for losing 72 pounds which is amazing. I might change my goal weigth to 125 pounds but I am not sure!!!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

All my fault

So everytime I think about the danger that Matt is in I blame myself. I do this because if it was not for me getting pregnant with my youngest then he would not had to join the military and he would not be sitting in Iraq trying to keep himself alive. He tells me it is not my fault but had we not gotten pregnant so fast then I do not belive we would be living the life we are. There is so much guilt eating away at me that I needed to tell someone. Would our lives have been easier or different had it not been for my kids. Would Matt be so worried about us that he is willing to die to protect our freedom. How do I say thank you to a man that has given everything and gotten nothing in return.

Friday, March 28, 2008


So right now I have 2 major fears.

My first one is something I have no control over. I am so fearful that Matt will not make it back home (even though he says he will). I fear the doorbell ringing every time someone comes over or my phone ringing which could be letting me know he has been hurt. I think the thing bout that scares me the most is not my reaction but how will I tell my children that their dad has been killed and they will never see him again. I mean my youngest was barely 2 when he left and if something should happen to him she will not have any memories of him. My oldest has had more time but not much. I keep reminding myself that there have been plenty of guys to go over there and make it back yet there have been 4000 soldiers that will never see their families again.
I can be doing something as simple was washing dishes and breakdown crying because I am so worried about him. For me life feels like it is at a standstill because we can not move forward until my mate is safe in the U.S.

My second fear is kinda silly but it is hindering me big time. When I started to lose weight I did not think that I could do it because I have tried several times and failed. Yet here I am today and I have lost 70 pounds. Wow that is a lot and it amazes me every time I say it. That is 2 kindergartner's. The thing that has me so fearful is shopping. As a fat girl I hated to go to the store because I knew my number would be going up. Now I am in the mindset that I don't want to move form my size 16 (which are way too big, had a pair fall of me)yet I can not bring myself to buy clothes.
I was always the skinny girl in high school yet once I had kids I gained 100 pounds and now I am in the mindset that it will happen again and I will have wasted all of the money for nothing. For me my size 16s were my comfort zone because I knew I could get down to that size now I am in uncharted LAND. I have a pair of size 8 shorts and have had them for a few weeks yet I have only worn them once because I do not feel comfortable in them. My loving and very supportive mate has told me several times to buy some new pants( and I will someday honey) yet I have not because I stuck in the mindset of being 230 pounds and not being good enough. I plan on shopping soon but I AM STILL talking myself into it. lol

So those are a few of my worries.

Great Dessert

I have found a great dessert that is low in caliores and has no fat. It is so good taste so much liek ice crem. It is frozen grapes!!!!

They are my new favoirte. I have been eating them like crazy. Yummy. yummy

So strong Yet....

There have been many challenges in my life yet going thru this deployment has been so hard on me. I feel as if I am a single mom yet I have my husband but he is not here. I have no one that I can turn to when I am having a bad day( Brandi u are there but u have your own life) so I keep everything inside of be because I do not want to worry matt yet everytime I talk to matt I break down because I am so worried about him not making it ack. He tells me not to worry but it is hard when I know that he is in so much danger over there.

I keep thinking that if I make it thru this deployment then I will be stronger because of it. Yet there are times when I do not feel like this deployment will end.

Bascially deployments suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Big Year

So today has been a year since I started my weight loss journey. When I started this is march of last year I was doing this because I wanted to look hot when matt got back from Iraq. When he returned in July I was down 30 pounds. Now that is is a full year later I have gone for 230.5 to 162 pounds which is a weight loss of 68.5 pounds. Hopefully in the next year I can lose the rest of my weight.

Sunday, March 16, 2008


So after the last few weeks of stugling with my weight being bounced around, I have decideded to start taking the Alli diet pill/plan and see if that will help me. I will keep everyone updated.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Few More weeks!!!

So insted of looking at the next few months as months I am looking at them as weeks because it seems shorter that way.
There are a few more weeks until I will be done with this semseter. The first week of may is finals and I will be so glad when this semseter is over. Carrying 18 hours plus taking care of my kids on top of my honey being deployed as been rough but I am doing good juggling it all.
Then it will be a few more weeks after this that it will be my oldest 5th birthday. I can not believe she will be 5. It is totally nuts.
Then sometime after that my honey will be home sometime in June for 18 days of R&r and I am so looking forward to this yet i am sad because I know he has to leave to go back which makes me sad.
This also means that I have roughly 13 weeks to get the last stubborn 13 pounds off. It has been so hard to get it off but now I am back in the gym since my school work has slowed down some. We shall see if I can get down to 150 by June.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Another Accomplishment!!

So after weeks of wearing pants pants that don't fit and matt telling me to get new pants I went to walmart and tried on a pair of size 8 shorts. They fit over my hips, and I could button them. They are a little tight but if I lose 5 more pounds they will fit like a glove. I am so excited.

Breast Part 5

So I fianlly made my appt to go see the plastic surgeon. I have had the referal since the end of January but I had been debating it because I was worried that matt would not like it. Plus I am worried about the scares. So we shall see what the doctor says. I go april 9 at 11 am.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Busy Busy

So the last few days have been so crazy between school and my kids I finally feel like I am catching a break. Most of my bigger assisgnments have been turned or completed. I still have one to do but not sure when I am going to do that. Hopefully on spring break. Which is soon thank god. Was supposed to go to Tn but becaus eof car problmes. I am havign to push that trip off until later in the summer. Hopefully by then we have a new car. Things are going good with my sweetie. He is very busy in Iraq and has not been sleeping s much but he is very excited about coming home to see us. Of course he says we will do a lot of thigns(sex) but I think he will sleep a good majority of that. we shall see.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Missing My Love

So the last few days have been really hard because I am so missing him. It seems like I wake up every morning wondering if HE will make it home. I then go to bed thinking out how much I am missing him in bed. The things I miss the most are the small things, like him starting a bth for me. going bowling, having someone to help me with the girls. I AM so counting down until he will be home but who knows when that will be because there i s arumor they will be home ealry which would be great. I will keep everyone posted.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Weight Loss Goal!!!

So every month I set a goal of the weigth I want to hit each month. Lately I have not been doing too good with it because of school. In feburary my startign weight was 170.5 my goal for the month was to hit 165. I was a half pound short of my goal, but I am happy with it becasue I was able to lose 5 pounds plus I got past my stupid plateau. Hopefully next month will be jsut as good.

starting weight 165.5
Goal weight 158.

We shall see