Monday, January 16, 2012


So as I mentioned earlier by spouse and I have decided that a divorce was the best thing not only for us but also for our girls because we were no happy and we did not want them to grow up that way. Because of this my spouse has found someone who I hopes makes him happy however while I am having fun talking and may meet a new guy at some point I am just going to sit back and wait to see what happens.

However with any divorce there are several things that must change and the first is that the girls and I will be moving to an apartment. While the girls are sad about that I am not because I am ready to have a life where I can choose what to do with out my ex around.

I am also going to be working on getting my weight back under control. This will be done by getting a gym membership and going to the gym at least 4 times a week. I am hoping to lose about 40 pounds whcih will get me back down to at least 140. I am going to also start doing the HCG diet. Hopefully I will be able to stick to it more since I will not have to feed my ex. Woo hoo

Monday, January 2, 2012

Do you think I am beautiful

So while I am dealing with my divorce I am also dealing with some other personal demons. My BFF Brandi has reccommedend that I read do I think you are beatiful. The first chapter alone gave me alot to chew on because I have never thought that I was beautiful or even that I deserved to be happy. However one thing that stuck out to me about the chapter is that all women think that regardless of their beatuy. Divorce is not something that I would wish on my wort enemy however it can be used as a way to grow and learn. I have to say in the last few weeks I have done alt of growing. Yes I am still hurt by eveythibg however I have learned that I deserve better than to be lied and cheated on. I have learned that I deserve happiness. I have also learned more importantly that I relied on a man way to much. Rather than living my life I have up myslef and lived how he wanted. Which while I should do that not to the extent that I did where all my choices and decisions were based on what he wanted.

The chapter also showed me that I won't be able to love anyone else as I don't love myself. As a child I was sexually abused by two men and then dealt with alot of phsycial abuse by my mom. While I wish I could say that I learned how to get over it. I can't. There are times that I am walking around like that scared little girl. I also looked for love in the wrong places. Rather than having a good relationship with myself I decieded that the only way I could find worth was in a man. While I dated alot when I was younger I was only intimate with my husband. However I felt that I had to stay with him out of a sense of gratitude. What I mean by that is that he was willing to take me on all my problems and all. Rather than understanding that any man would want me because I am a great person. Yes we all have flaws and I am slowly coming to see mine however at the same time I deserve to find happines in who I am so that I can find happiness with a man a long time from now.

My motto for the next year is: I am beautiful.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

What a year-2011

So as we set the calendars ahead another year I am facing several things I thought that I would never see.

The biggest change of this year is that I will be divorced. My husband and I decided right after Thanksgiving that is was no longer working for either of us. We did try therapy however he has found someone else and has already moved on. We are currently in the process of splitting up our home and trying to figure out custody for our 2 children. I do have to say that this has been one of the hardest things i have been through and would never wish this on someone else. However at the same time my Marriage was no longer a marriage and we were just going thru the motions. I can honestly say that while I still love him and will care for him I am looking forward to some day finding someone who wants me for me.

The other thing that I am facing because of the divorce is living alone. I got married when I was 21 and moved out of my parents home soon after. The only time I have been alone was when my husband was in boot camp and when he went to Iraq. While I am looking forward to the time with my kids I am also very scared about what the future holds and how I will manage everything. I still plan on going to school and I am still working full time so thank god for that blessing it is just hard to think that I have to give up one dream for another.

This year I am hoping to blog more and thur this blog I will work on some issues that plagued my marriage but also that plagued my real life.

Hoping 2012 is my year.