Sunday, January 27, 2008

So Miserable

I am so miserable. I just want this deployment to end. I am so busy with school, the kids and life in general that nothign makes me happy. When I talk to matt on the phoen i flip out on him because he does nto talk and it pisses me off. I feel like nobody understands because unless u have been here u don;t.

It is so bad that I want to drop out of school and then that will be one less stress on my life. I aso tired and so worn out that I have flu and have been fightign it for days and I do not even care if I get better. I can't sleep and when I do I toss and turn all night. I am so unhappy with my life rigth now.

I WANT MATT HOME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Life as a Mother, wife, student, etc..........

So since the 14th oj Januray I have been back in school and oh my good do I feel stressed. Not only am i CARRYIng a course load of 15 hours but I am doing it as a single mom while worryingabout Matt in Iraq. Alot of the girls in my classes tell me how strong I am and how they don't think they could do it and yet I am in awe of them. One girl I know as 3 kids, goes to school for 15 hours a semsester and works 40 hours. She amazes me everyday.

As for my kids I feel so gulitu because most days they are at daycare by 545 in the morning and I don't see them again until 4. My honey says I am doing the rigth thing so that we will ahve a job when I get out but also he says I can rub it in certain people faces. yet I feel like a bad nigth. Some nights I am so tired i don't want to cook or give them bathes but I do because it is only me right now. I also feel bad because most of the time when theya re home I am either cleaning or doign homework. I also feel guilty because I lose my temper with them. I wonder how will I balance all of this plus a job when I have to go abck to work. I am dreadign it because it is true kids grow up so fast. Kylie will be 5 in May and Maddison will be 3 in August and yet I can remeber going to the hosiptal with jenni and havign to stop to get her coffee. I remember being so afriad that jennie would not call matt, i remeber yelling at my family to get the doctor because I wanted her out(this went on for about 2hr, only in labor total 7 hrs. ). I remember the first time I held her and how scared I was and how amazed at how big she was(9lbs 5oz). With maddison I had to be induced at 10 and by 4 she wa sborn, yet I remember how mad I was at matt because he had to pick up the dog from the vet and HOWI was screamign at everyone that he bettere get there or he would be dead(I meant it) I remember jennie and I talkign about how we thought she had red hair(neither us thought she would)I remeber when they told me to push and it took 2 oushes and how i pulled her out, I remeber waiting to hear her cry and it took it awhile becuase she refuses to be rushed, i remember almost dying because she did have red hair, I remeber how the dr let my placenta fall to the ground, the last thign I remember was how hapPy I was and how I have not felt that way in a while.

As for the wife aspect THAT is on hold rigth now. I am doing everythign I can for him but it does not feel like I AM married anymore. I love him so much that it hurts to think about somethign hapenign to him., That scares the crap out of me. He is the love of my life and the father of my children but it is hard to be attached to him right now because I don't want to get hurt. He is a wonderful man. My birthday is on wednesday and he bought me a new robe from vs and it is so soft and so pretty. He is also mailing me soemthign but I won't get that until I get back from florida.

As for my trip home. My sister is expecting a baby girl next month and I am so hapy for her but at the same time I am jealous because I want another baby and rigth now that issue is on the back burner because Matt can't make up his mind(and they say women never make up thier mind). I am hoping he will come to a decsion soon but I have a feeling it will nto be the answer I want or even need.

As for my weight it is all over the place. I got down to 169.5 a few weeks ago and yet int he last week I have balloned back up to 176. I am tryign my hardest to stay postivie but that is not always easy so I decided to take this week and next week off and then restart. This will give me a chance to take a break and not think abotu it.

Friday, January 18, 2008

No more pain

So since last june I have been having a lot of neck pain. It has gotten really bad in the last few months and has moved to my shoulders. The bad thing is that I would wake up wit the pain and have the pain all the way until bed time. I saw a neurologists last fall and she put me on a muscle relaxer which helped for about a week and thne it was back. When I went to the dr today I asked her if there were any meds to stop the pain and she gave me a med that helps people with arthisis. Well the drug was workign within a hour. I am no longer in pain and that has helped me so much. Woo hoo.

Breast Part 4

So I SAW the dr today and she agreed that it would be good for me to get the reduction especially since I have lost 60 pounds. She put my referral in and I know have to wait for my insurance company to approve it. So we shall know by next week if they will approve it.

Long Week

So this week I went back to school and oh my god it was a long week and it is still not over. My classes are going to be fun but they are goign to be alot of work. In each of my classes I ahve at least 3 projects due and in some classes more projects are due.

As for my weight loss it has been rough getting the weigth off. I got back up to 172 but now I am back down to 169.5 which is good but it is not enough. I have more weigth to go. I have been able to get to the gym 3 times this week which has helped but I am so worn out I am not sure if I will be going again until monday.

as for matt he is doing ok in Iraq but has been sick. He got food poisionign from bad eggs. Otherwise he is doing great.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

So lonely

So these last few days coming ack form our vacation has een really tough because in Florida I ahd my family plus Matt's family to hang out with. Here I have a few friends. I do not sleep unless I take a pill hence why I ma blogging at 145 in the morning. I did not take my pill. I now understand why some spouses cheat when thier spouse is away. I DO not support but I understand. A person needs human contact and when they are all alone for long periods of tiem they stop feeling loved. Matt has made sure that he talks to be everyday and if he can't eh emails at odd times. I love my time with him online and our emails because we have both learned so much about each other that we did not know.I learned that when we were dating he wanted me to ahve a 3 some. He learned that I still have alot of trust issues. Iwould haverathered had learned these things face to face but right now I will take what I get whoch soemtimes is not enough.

I am also sick of havign no one to cuddle up to. I miss him so bad.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Breast Part 3

So I made my appt to see my doctor but I have to wait until next friday and then see what she says. I am hoing they will agree with me becuase I have lost 60 pounds but my boobs have not gone down much at all. I amd hping. Please pray for me.

60 Pounds Lost

So today I lost another pound and I have lost 60 pounds altogether. Woo Hoo. I have been takign my pills for a week and I have lost 5.5 pounds since i have been Back. Startign tomorrow I will not take the pills for the week. This way I can give my body a break. I am going to alternate per weeks and take the pills or not take the pill.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Good Things about Deployments

So I have figured out there is one good thing about deployments. This good thing is that when Matt is gone we get all this extra money and we can use that money to get us complelty out of debt and even save some money. I have figured out a way to pay all or our credit card debt off and even get both of our cars paid off which would be nice. Plus I will be able to save 200 dollars per each paycheck which would be nice. Hopefully I can keep all the mone in savings so we can use it when he gets out of the military. Another thing that would be ncie for us would be if we got our tax money back this year but I am not sure we will. I am praying we do because we could save more money.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Breast Part 2

So I got Matt to agree with me on havign the surgery. He does not want me to go smaller than a C but I a want a B so we shall see. I will keep u updated.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Big Big Big Breasts

So since June or July I have been having alot of neck and shoulder pain. Plus I have been having alot of headaches. I saw the eye doctor because my doctor thought maybe I was having occular migraines yet when I saw the eye doctor he saw nothign wrong and sent me to the neuorliogts. Well she found nothing wrong and gave me some meds for my neck. Yet nothign as helped. Plus I ma having more pain. So today after workign out my neck and shoulders were and our killing me. I finally think I know the problem. My boobs. When I started losing weight in Mrach I was wearing a 42 dd and weighed 230. Yet now I weight 172 and my boobs are still a 38 d or dd not really sure which. I have decided that I am going to make an appt with my doctor and maybe see if he thinks I need a breats reduction. I can not keep living with this pain it is miserable. WE shall see

Saturday, January 5, 2008

New Year New Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this year has been a rough one for me. At the beggining of the year I had a heart procedure which was a total failure. I then found out that I was pregnant. I then miscarried the baby which is still affecting me to this day. Then we found out in Februaury that Matt was goign to Iraq. I believe all these events were a wake up call to me. It made me realize that my honey was going to hae to go off to war and I needed to do everything I could to get back in shape. When Matt left March 24, 2007 I weighed 230.5 lbs. After workign my butt off and changing my eating habits. This change led me to be 198.5 by teh time Matt returned July 1 2007. Since that time and the time when matt left again I got down to 181. Since he left in late november I have gotten down to 176 pounds. My goal for when he gets home FOR his R & R is to be down to 145 pounds. My main Goal for he gets home in 200- is to be somewhere between 125-130 pounds.

Also this year I have dealt with the fact that matt was injured in Iraq. While it was only a concussion it is very scary because it makes u reliaze how precious life is and how dangerous Iraq still is.

This year I also started taking a full course load of social work classes and let me tell u it was hard but in the end I pulled out 2 a and 1 b. I am sure once I graudate life will be a little bit easier. I hope

While iI ma glad to see 207 gone I will be even happier to see 2008 in the rearview windown becaus eit means I am closer to Matt comign home and us getting out of the army. I will celebrate that day.