Monday, September 2, 2013

Losing pounds but finding me

As mentioned in a earlier post I have been losing weight for a little over a year now. When I started my weight loss journey, I did I for all the wrong reasons. My number one goal was to make my ex jealous. As time as gone on and the weight has come off I have learned that this weight loss journey needed to be different then my other journey. 

Bach in 2007-2009. I lost close to a hundred pounds. I went from being 230 to be 130 in about a year period. This was a huge accomplishment for me. Yet, I relaize now as I look back over that time and the years that followed when I put all the weight back on I did it for te very wrong reason. 

Back in 2007, I was still married and while I would like to say that it was the happiest time it was not because of a choice that I made and still regret to this day. Yet I regress. In February of that year I learned that my then husband would be deployed to Iraq for a period of time. I was scared to death that I would lose him and be all alone. The weeks leading up to him leaving I slowly changed my eating habits and I slowly added some walking in. Nothing major. When he deployed I was at 230.5. I hated that number. I hated who I had become. I hated myself. The day after he deployed we were informed that it would be a shift 4 month deployment because after the holidays of 2007 they would be going back to Iraq for almost two years. In that two month period that he was gone I was bound and determined to get under 200. When he returned in June 2007, I was at 197. I was stoked and he loved the changes in me. However in that short period of time of him being home again I stoppe eating healthy and while I did workout it was not the same intensity. 

December of 2007 he redploed back to Iraq. I went back on my diet and exercise plan and by the time he came back in December of 2008 I was at 130. This was the tiniest I had ever been. It was also one of he unhappiest times in my life because while he enjoyed it I no longer I no longer had a goal. So I did what I always did. I went back to my old habits. No diet no exercise. 

By the time we moved to Texas a short 6 months later I had already put  50 plus pounds on. That right there should have been a indication of how unhappy I was. Yet, sadly it was not. 

By the time I was divorced and living alone I was close to 200 and only lost 12 pounds during my divorce because of depression.  I then got involved with another man and by the time that was over I was at 218.8. The sad thing was between him and my divorce from my ex I was working out, eating healthy and was seeing a personal trainer. Yet again I gave it up for a man. 

During the last year I have gone from 218.8 to 161.2. I am no where near where I want to be. Yet, I know I will get there. The reason why this post is important is because in the last decade I stopped living for me. I did everything in my power to keep someone else happy even if I was not happy. This has been one of the things that I have learned in this journey. Losing weight has to be for me and me only. 

I have also learned that I am important and I matter. So if no one tells me I am beautiful that is ok because on the inside I know and feel beautiful. 

Me on left is from December 2012-195
Me on right 9/2/13-161.2

Love... And letting go

I am a huge reader and therefore I am a huge believer in happily ever after...however sometimes that does not happen and we have to take what we are given and move forward with our own happily ever after. 

When I first got divorced I stayed away from romance stories( which are my go to reads) because of the pain I was in. Yet slowly i have been adding those back into my reading library. 

Tonight I was reading LETTING GO by Meg Jolie. This is the second book in the series. While it is a work of fiction, that does not mean that I can't learn from it. When I read regardless of the story I am always able to find something that sticks with me. 

Tonight it  was this line
"It was time to move on. While he would always hold a piece of her heart and soul it was time to take control of her life." 

These two simple sentence may not seem like a lot an yet to me they were life changing. I read them over and over and over.  For the last 18 plus months I have done everything in my power to act like I was no longer in love with my ex, it was and is a lie. Yes he hurt me and yes he did something awful in the end it does not change the way I felt about him for Almost half my young life.  Just because he stopped loving me in a short period of time does not mean I was able to turn it off so easy. He was my first love and is the father of my children. For that I will always love him.  If I hate him then am I not hating my own flesh and blood?

I am no longer in love with him. He is someone I used to know and love just like I am someone he used to know and love. We had good and bad times. We took on the adult life when we were both still babies ourselves. We had many struggles and challenges handed to us before we were even old enough to drink.  We grew up and grew apart. We wanted different things and that is ok. I think in the end if we had tried to make it work for the sake of our children all of us including the children would have been miserable and we would have hated each other. 

I truly think that in life we are given the ability to love many. I know that someday. It may not be today and it may not be tomorrow but someday there will be a man who walks in my life who will not want to walk out. My future is so much better than what I could have ever asked for. Yes there will be pain and yes there will be heartache. But life is not meant to be a easy journey. I want to know before I meet god that I have no regrets.

Many people have told me that it will get better and the pain will lessen. I can say that each and every day it does. I have spent alot of time looking at myself and knowing that while it ended, and I had my faults it was not all bad.

I think the fact that it has taken me so long to stop hiding from this truth will allow me to open up and be able to take control of my life. 

Catching up


Has a funny way if sneaking up on you and changing how things are going. For the last 11 years I have been slowly and painfully working towards my goal of getting a masters degree. Well as of August 10 I am the proud owner of a masters degree. I actually won't walk until December( long story) yet I am done. 

This change in my life is odd. For te last 11 years I have balance motherhood, school, sometimes work and being a wife. Yet in the last two years a lot and I do mean a lot has changed. I am no longer a wife and while I still struggle with my divorce daily i know in the end it was the best decision for me. I wish my kids were by hurt in the process and yet they are stronger from it.

I am no longer in school and have no plans to go back. This has been a huge change. I am still learning how to be still. 

I have lost quite a by of weight. This has been a challenge for me. As my life has been in chaos the last two years the only thing I have been able to control is my weight. Yet is was a unhealthy obsession. Yes I sill struggle with the scale and have been plateaued longer than I would like yet I am proud of the fact that in the last year I have lost 50 plus pounds. 

My relationships with my girls have become so much deeper. My girls have seen my struggle and yet at the end of the day they know that I love them.  This time together has allowed me to see that I will miss them when they are older yet I am enjoying them like crazy. 

The biggest and greatest change is my relationship with the LOrd. I was raised in the faith yet as time and struggles came on I slowly and quietly walked away from him. When I first was divorced I was so angry with him and it took close to a year to get over being angry with him. It also took him putting some people who did not know me in my life to show me that I was worth the gift that he was giving me of allowing me to have a second chance with him. I really have learned how to rely on him. In the good and in the bad I tune to him and ask for guidance. I definitely know that even when his answer is no there is a reason why. 

As you can see I have grown and changed and I am becoming a better and healthier person.