Tuesday, May 8, 2007


My childhood was very hard becasue my mother was extremely abusive to me and to this day I have never been able to forgive or forget what she had doen to me. I relizaed tonigth that holding on to my anger had not affected her any but it was affecting me.

I was letting it control how I love my parnets, How I love and treat my husband and even how I treat my Girls. Also my dog. Stupid dog.

My husband has always been very supportive and loving towards me but in the last year or so i have been having a rough time with giving him my affection. My mom passed in october of 05 and when she died I felt that a boulder had been lifted but it was always still there. I am always afraid that matt will leave me or stop caring about me because it seems that at some point the people who supposedly do love me stop caring. I learned thru having mothered his children that he does still love and always will even if things change.

My children give unconditioanl love and that is the one thing they need from us. I have come to understand that my mother could or would not give this without strings attached. I have learned that even if they or you do something wrong they will love you and that will never stop. Today Kylie me in the car that she did not like me. I have heard this before she misses her dad and is having a rough time but it hurt so much because of the situATION that I broke down in tears. When Kylie saw this bothe she and maddison walked up to me and hugged and both of them told me they loved me. Even maddison my 21 month old. I relaiized today that they still love me even though they say they don't.

Mother's day is fast approaching and my husband can not be here again(he has missed every mothers day) but I know that he still loves me and that he loves the fact that I am willing to give him monsters(as he says). Please be thankful for your mothers even if they get on your nerves because you never know what tomorrow brings and what could happen to you or her. I never got the chance to tell my mom I was no longer upset with. I figured I wold have plently of time and Now I will have to go to my grave knowing that my mother thought I hated her.Sometimes I wished I had one more day with her to tell her I love and I am sorry how things ended up.

Matt if you read this please know I love you and I am thankful for the life you are providing us.

Sorry to ramble. I had a lot on my mind


Brandi said...

Yeah I definitely wish I hadn't gotten the machine. It looks like you could have used the talk. I'm sorry it took me so long to call ... got hung up with Dana and took forever to get off.

truelifeofjess said...

Sorry I did not relaize you had called until just now. I just had a rought night.