Friday, January 25, 2008

Life as a Mother, wife, student, etc..........

So since the 14th oj Januray I have been back in school and oh my good do I feel stressed. Not only am i CARRYIng a course load of 15 hours but I am doing it as a single mom while worryingabout Matt in Iraq. Alot of the girls in my classes tell me how strong I am and how they don't think they could do it and yet I am in awe of them. One girl I know as 3 kids, goes to school for 15 hours a semsester and works 40 hours. She amazes me everyday.

As for my kids I feel so gulitu because most days they are at daycare by 545 in the morning and I don't see them again until 4. My honey says I am doing the rigth thing so that we will ahve a job when I get out but also he says I can rub it in certain people faces. yet I feel like a bad nigth. Some nights I am so tired i don't want to cook or give them bathes but I do because it is only me right now. I also feel bad because most of the time when theya re home I am either cleaning or doign homework. I also feel guilty because I lose my temper with them. I wonder how will I balance all of this plus a job when I have to go abck to work. I am dreadign it because it is true kids grow up so fast. Kylie will be 5 in May and Maddison will be 3 in August and yet I can remeber going to the hosiptal with jenni and havign to stop to get her coffee. I remember being so afriad that jennie would not call matt, i remeber yelling at my family to get the doctor because I wanted her out(this went on for about 2hr, only in labor total 7 hrs. ). I remember the first time I held her and how scared I was and how amazed at how big she was(9lbs 5oz). With maddison I had to be induced at 10 and by 4 she wa sborn, yet I remember how mad I was at matt because he had to pick up the dog from the vet and HOWI was screamign at everyone that he bettere get there or he would be dead(I meant it) I remember jennie and I talkign about how we thought she had red hair(neither us thought she would)I remeber when they told me to push and it took 2 oushes and how i pulled her out, I remeber waiting to hear her cry and it took it awhile becuase she refuses to be rushed, i remember almost dying because she did have red hair, I remeber how the dr let my placenta fall to the ground, the last thign I remember was how hapPy I was and how I have not felt that way in a while.

As for the wife aspect THAT is on hold rigth now. I am doing everythign I can for him but it does not feel like I AM married anymore. I love him so much that it hurts to think about somethign hapenign to him., That scares the crap out of me. He is the love of my life and the father of my children but it is hard to be attached to him right now because I don't want to get hurt. He is a wonderful man. My birthday is on wednesday and he bought me a new robe from vs and it is so soft and so pretty. He is also mailing me soemthign but I won't get that until I get back from florida.

As for my trip home. My sister is expecting a baby girl next month and I am so hapy for her but at the same time I am jealous because I want another baby and rigth now that issue is on the back burner because Matt can't make up his mind(and they say women never make up thier mind). I am hoping he will come to a decsion soon but I have a feeling it will nto be the answer I want or even need.

As for my weight it is all over the place. I got down to 169.5 a few weeks ago and yet int he last week I have balloned back up to 176. I am tryign my hardest to stay postivie but that is not always easy so I decided to take this week and next week off and then restart. This will give me a chance to take a break and not think abotu it.

1 comment:

Brandi said...

Maybe taking a break is for the best, hon. Just give your body time to chill, and take a break in your mind from freaking about everything. Your weight is at least a healthy weight now, right? You've lost what ... 60 pounds? rest a minute, and then keep going if it's what you want. But no more talking to me about the donut diet, it's simply not allowed, LOL.

As for Matt ... He'll be home soon, honey, so remember that you are married. Use this time apart to get to know each other better through emails and stuff, stay in contact the best you can, and both of you should plan ways to reconnect when he comes back. Something you do together, not just what the Army gives. Find a cheap way to renew your vows when he's out of the Army or something, just a way to celebrate starting a new life together, and one that doesn't include deployments.

You will make it through this, just keep trying.