Friday, March 28, 2008

Fear!!!

So right now I have 2 major fears.

My first one is something I have no control over. I am so fearful that Matt will not make it back home (even though he says he will). I fear the doorbell ringing every time someone comes over or my phone ringing which could be letting me know he has been hurt. I think the thing bout that scares me the most is not my reaction but how will I tell my children that their dad has been killed and they will never see him again. I mean my youngest was barely 2 when he left and if something should happen to him she will not have any memories of him. My oldest has had more time but not much. I keep reminding myself that there have been plenty of guys to go over there and make it back yet there have been 4000 soldiers that will never see their families again.
I can be doing something as simple was washing dishes and breakdown crying because I am so worried about him. For me life feels like it is at a standstill because we can not move forward until my mate is safe in the U.S.

My second fear is kinda silly but it is hindering me big time. When I started to lose weight I did not think that I could do it because I have tried several times and failed. Yet here I am today and I have lost 70 pounds. Wow that is a lot and it amazes me every time I say it. That is 2 kindergartner's. The thing that has me so fearful is shopping. As a fat girl I hated to go to the store because I knew my number would be going up. Now I am in the mindset that I don't want to move form my size 16 (which are way too big, had a pair fall of me)yet I can not bring myself to buy clothes.
I was always the skinny girl in high school yet once I had kids I gained 100 pounds and now I am in the mindset that it will happen again and I will have wasted all of the money for nothing. For me my size 16s were my comfort zone because I knew I could get down to that size now I am in uncharted LAND. I have a pair of size 8 shorts and have had them for a few weeks yet I have only worn them once because I do not feel comfortable in them. My loving and very supportive mate has told me several times to buy some new pants( and I will someday honey) yet I have not because I stuck in the mindset of being 230 pounds and not being good enough. I plan on shopping soon but I AM STILL talking myself into it. lol

So those are a few of my worries.

2 comments:

Brandi said...

Awww, honey. It'll come. You've spent a long time in being a big girl. But now that you're little again, it happened very fast. So it's going to take you a while. You didn't learn to be a fat girl overnight, and you won't learn to be a skinny one again overnight either. It's coming. You're in a size eight now, rejoice in that when you can ... and just keep mainaining it. You've kept that seventy pounds off for a year, and that's a huge accomplishment. I believe that you will keep it off. So enjoy it, honey.

truelifeofjess said...

I know I will keep it off it is just a mindset right now. Matt keeps yelling at me to buy new clothes but I have resisted. Might need to soon. None of my pants fit at all. Plus he keeps telling me to write a book about my weight loss journey but I have no time.lol