Friday, July 18, 2008

Fear of love!!!

So Matt and I have been married for 4 yers yet there have been aloy of times that I have doubted his love. This has nothign to do with him but has to do completely with my past and my family.

My mother expressed her love by beating the crap out of us and lettign some SOB moleste me for years and when I tried to tell her what was happening she did not believe me. I did finlly get away from her but it was hell and until the day she died I never forgave her because she never wanted to believe that what she did was wrong!!! To this day the way she treated me has left me frid to believe that I could love without being hit.

Then I moved in with my dad and my stepmom. I love my dad to pieces but he never acted like a father to me. My step mom was the one I went to when I needed soemthing and who punished me. Yet I never could trust her because of what my mom did to me and also because of the hurtful things she said to me. Yes, I was not a easy child because of my past and I never made it easy for him but it is like they gave up with me. I would do things to get my dads attention and he would deal with me and then move on. To this day I am not comfortable around them because of this.

Yet, there are other things. When I got pregnant with my oldest they were mad at me and mad at matt but they never blamed me. The blme always feel on him. Even when it was brought up that it took they blamed. When we got married they act like they could care less. Neither one was invovled with anything to do with it. They paid for some yet, most of it feel on matt's parnets and myslef. When we moved to Nashville they were mad becasue he was taking thier grand baby away. Yet we needed to do what was best for us and that was it.

They treat matt like he does not matter to them. They love my kids but there is such a strain with them that it is hard for us to visit.

Matt loves me but there is so much in my past that makes me wonder all the time if he loves me or if he will find me too much of a pain to keep going along. There are times when I wish I could have had different and easier life because then I would not feel so insecure about my marriage but then I know that the life I have lived has given me purpose to keep on going. My past has made me stronger for the future.

I have manage to find a man that loves me regardless of my flaws and trust me there are thousands. I have 2 great kids who love me even when my day is going bad. They are my greatest accomplishment. I am almost a college gradute and let me tell you that has not been a easy journey. I have also manged to lose almost 90 pounds in the last year.

Sorry to complain but it has been a rough few weeks on my end!!!

1 comment:

Brandi said...

Complain all you want, babe. That's what blogs are for, LOL ...