Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I wonder....

Lately I have been thinking about my mom alot. My relationship with my mother was hard and for a good 10 years there was no relatioship. I will supply a little background about us. My mom and dad married when my mom was in her mid 20's and had me a few years later. During the pregnancy my mom wanted a boy and needless to say when she found out I was a girl she was not happy. Fast forward a few years, my mom got the boy she wanted but then my parnets marriage broke up. I lived with my dad for a number of years but when my dad remarried he thought it would be best if I lived with my mom. To this day My dad and I both regret him sending me back there because maybe my life would have been easier. My MOM was very abusive. Not only verbally but also physically. She would throw things at us like pots, knives and even hot food. She would also have these rages where she would come home from work and regardless of the time she would trash every room in the house. I remember one night she got home at 2 am, trashed the enotre house and then woke me up to clean. She did not wake my brother up. There was also a time that my mom threw my brother into a wall where he cracked his head open and when we went to the hospital she told them I had hit him with a stick.I agreed but only beciase she had threatend to kill not only me but my dad who I loved extremenly. Needless to say I took a beating of my life that night becuase she managed to coinvicne herslef that I had hrt him.
This went on for a number of years and during that time I was also being sexually abused by not only my step fatehr bit also by my grandfather. The abuse with them went on fro about 4 years until my mom divorced my step father and my grandfather passed away. Once all these things happened I was release from the sexuall abuse but did not get away from the physical abuse until 3 years later.
I managed to get away frim the abuse at my mothers hands when I went to live with my dad at the age of 10. During the time I liveed with my mom my dad never knew what was going on. Once I got away from my mom I had no conatct with my mom until I was 20. Right after I turend 20 I gave birth to Kylie and my mother found out that I had a baby. I saw my mom 3 times during the first year of Kylies life but could never forgive or forget what had happened. The last time I saw my mom I told her I would never forgive her and that I hated her. Fast forward 2 years later and I had just had Maddison whne I recieved a phoen call letting me know that my mom had died in a fire. While I was sad that she passed I really had no emtion about her death because I had lost my when I was 10. I did go to the funeral service for her but while everyone was crying and saying what a great person she was I wanted to stand up and scream that she was not that great.
Well the reason why I have been thinking about her so much is because my kids are gettign older and I never want to lose my relationship with them. I never want them to have to wonder about me. I never want them to feel the hole I have in my heart where she no longer is. I miss that I don't have someone who I trust and admire that I can go to when I am having a rough day or when/if I have another baby.
Everytime I hear the Kelli Pickler song I have to stop and cry a few moments becuase I do wonder if she ever loved me and what could casue a mother to hate her child so much.
I leave you with this: always tell your children you love them regardless of how you may be feeling at that time because you don't want them to wonder how you truly felt for them.

A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved.
- Kate Samperi, "Mothers"

"I wonder by Kellie Pickler
Sometimes I think about you.
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' about me.
And would you even recognize,
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be.
Cuz I look in the mirror and all I see,
Are your brown eyes looking back at me.
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

I think about how it ain't fair.
That you weren't there to braid my hair like mothers do.
You weren't around to cheer me on.
Help me dress for my high school prom like mothers do.
Did you think I didn't need you here.
To hold my hand, to dry my tears.
Did you even miss me through the years at all?

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

Such a simple word.
But its so hard to do.
When you've been hurt.

Oh I hear the weather's nice in California.
And just in case you're wondering about me.
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off to Tennessee


Brandi said...

You made me cry. I hate that you went through all that (but then I already knew about most of it), and I hate that she allowed it instead of protecting you regardless of your sex. You were still her baby, she should have seen the prize in you.

But I also realize that your "relationship" with your mother is a large part of why you are who you are today, and I admit that you and your mother have also impacted me and my daughters. I struggle every day to make sure they know they are loved no matter what, that I find them precious even in the hard times, and I think part of that is because of what I went through with my own mom ... but largely because I never want between me and my kids what you and your mom had between you. I don't want my daughters to feel like you have.

Thanks for a great post, and you were right to write this. It's good to get it out of your head for a while, and if the girls someday see this, it will help them understand why you mothered them the way you have. It will give them insight into their own mother that you never had with yours ...

truelifeofjess said...

Yea I thinka bout my mom alot. Even though she did alot of crap to me I still love her becuase she was my mom. There are days that I can see my mom in both the girls..It is funny the first we said when Kylie was born is how she looked like my mom/bradley. I wonder if I could have told her that she was forgiven would I have not taken a job where I try to fix people.
If there is one thing I leared is that i never want my kids to experience the abuse I did.