Monday, September 2, 2013

Losing pounds but finding me

As mentioned in a earlier post I have been losing weight for a little over a year now. When I started my weight loss journey, I did I for all the wrong reasons. My number one goal was to make my ex jealous. As time as gone on and the weight has come off I have learned that this weight loss journey needed to be different then my other journey. 

Bach in 2007-2009. I lost close to a hundred pounds. I went from being 230 to be 130 in about a year period. This was a huge accomplishment for me. Yet, I relaize now as I look back over that time and the years that followed when I put all the weight back on I did it for te very wrong reason. 

Back in 2007, I was still married and while I would like to say that it was the happiest time it was not because of a choice that I made and still regret to this day. Yet I regress. In February of that year I learned that my then husband would be deployed to Iraq for a period of time. I was scared to death that I would lose him and be all alone. The weeks leading up to him leaving I slowly changed my eating habits and I slowly added some walking in. Nothing major. When he deployed I was at 230.5. I hated that number. I hated who I had become. I hated myself. The day after he deployed we were informed that it would be a shift 4 month deployment because after the holidays of 2007 they would be going back to Iraq for almost two years. In that two month period that he was gone I was bound and determined to get under 200. When he returned in June 2007, I was at 197. I was stoked and he loved the changes in me. However in that short period of time of him being home again I stoppe eating healthy and while I did workout it was not the same intensity. 

December of 2007 he redploed back to Iraq. I went back on my diet and exercise plan and by the time he came back in December of 2008 I was at 130. This was the tiniest I had ever been. It was also one of he unhappiest times in my life because while he enjoyed it I no longer I no longer had a goal. So I did what I always did. I went back to my old habits. No diet no exercise. 

By the time we moved to Texas a short 6 months later I had already put  50 plus pounds on. That right there should have been a indication of how unhappy I was. Yet, sadly it was not. 

By the time I was divorced and living alone I was close to 200 and only lost 12 pounds during my divorce because of depression.  I then got involved with another man and by the time that was over I was at 218.8. The sad thing was between him and my divorce from my ex I was working out, eating healthy and was seeing a personal trainer. Yet again I gave it up for a man. 

During the last year I have gone from 218.8 to 161.2. I am no where near where I want to be. Yet, I know I will get there. The reason why this post is important is because in the last decade I stopped living for me. I did everything in my power to keep someone else happy even if I was not happy. This has been one of the things that I have learned in this journey. Losing weight has to be for me and me only. 

I have also learned that I am important and I matter. So if no one tells me I am beautiful that is ok because on the inside I know and feel beautiful. 

Me on left is from December 2012-195
Me on right 9/2/13-161.2

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