so damn mad

So I just got off the phone with hubby. Sounds like they are moving to their final destination. It is 11 30 pm here and 8 am there. It was nice to hear from him tonight because I am having a really hard time with this deployment.

I am mad at the us government for making my husband go over there twice in one year.
I am mad at the fact that he went around a holiday
I am mad at everyone who's spouse or loved one is home with them
I am mad that my kids might lose their father
I mad that my kids have to know what Iraq is
I am mad that I can not spend 5 more minutes with the my soul mate.
I am so mad at myselff.
I am mad taht he is gone
I am mad at the world.

As I was on the phone the tonight with him I starte dto ball. I had promised myself I would never let him know how uoset I was. I cried for a good 3 minutes on the phone with him. I never wanted him to hear how hard this was on me. I wante dhim to know I coukd keep it together, I don't want him to be worrying about me when he needs to be worrying about his job. He is my everything and I AM not sure what I wouls do with out him. I love and need him so much. Tonight has been one of those nights where I need a gallon of ice cream and a glass of wine. Since i HAVE NEITHER I am blogging. It is now 1145 I have been crying since 1128. This is the longest I have cried since he left. I miss him so bad it hurts. I can;t enjoy the holidays becuase I know he will bw in harms way.

I never let my girls see me cry becuase I to not wnat this to touch thier young lives. It is hard being the mother and father while he is gone. I keep waiting for him to walk in the front door and tell me everything is ok. Yet I know that won't happen and it won't be ok until he get backs in 15 months.


Matt , if u read this I wnat you to know that u are very very loved and taht we miss u so much. We need you to come home to us and never leave again. Also, know that we are very proud of u for making these scafirices. Also u are our hero.
We love u and miss please stay safe.

Love
Jessica and the Girls