"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."
While going through my divorce I have been seeing a therapist to help me heal from the hurt of my past and the hurt of my divorce. As my therapist says going through divorce is worse than losing a person to death. She also says going through a divorce where the ex spouse has moved on is even harder because it makes the person who was left behind question everything about themselves. Well trust me I have definitely questioned several things about my life. This past week my therapist asked me to write down a list of things that I need to forgive that I did during my marriage. This has been extremely hard because I made so many mistakes in my marriage. I was talking to my best friend Brandi the other night and she said something to me that made me stop and take notice.
I said that I am afraid of getting into another relationship because I don't want to do what I did again. What she said that was so profound was that I am settling for men (I have gone on a few dates) who have no potential then because I don't have to worry about getting serious or making those mistake.
Well let me tell you I have been thinking about that for over 24 hours. She was right I am settling because I am worried that I will blow another relationship/MARRIAGE by not dealing with the issues I have. However I am slowly working on those issues.
Now I am sure what issues am I talking about. Well these issues also have to do with what I have to forgive myself for. So in no random order here are my issues from my marriage that I need forgive myself for so that I can heal and move on
1. Throwing a candle at him( I only did this once) I regret this daily
2. Thinking about cheating on him (Never did but there were times that I was tempted)
3. Telling him he was fat and lazy
4. Cursing at him daily
5 expecting him to do more than I was willing to do
6. never listening to him
7. Not learning how to relax
8. stressing about money (I will explain)
9. Putting pressure on him to have another baby
10. baby #3
11. Not respecting him
12. Thinking he should work more hours
The reason why number 8 needs a long explanation is due to my past and his. I grew up with a mother who always made it seem like we had no money and then when I moved in with my dad and step mom I worked to help out with bills for my car. Well as you can imagine as life progressed I would budget out money down to the last penny. There was a time we had enough money in the bank and I was still freaking out. In the end mt ex though I only needed him for a check. I never looked at him that way but I definitely can understand why he thought I did.
There are some others on the list I would rather not discuss on the blog however please know that I am learning how to forgive myself for every item on the list. I know that the only way to move forward is to let go of the past because if I continue to live in what happen I will miss what should have been.
Any prayers would be greatly appreciate why i work through my issues.