Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Biggesr Fear

Ask any single mom what their biggest fear and I can almost guarantee that loneliest is in the top 5.

Why is that?

My answer to the "why" part is because after a divorce you feel rejected and broken down in such a way that you don't know until I are going through it. Regardless if u were the one who filed like in my case, the pain and the hurt eventually gives way to the fear of being alone for the rest of your life.

I know that while Matt and I were going to marriage counseling and after I decided to file for divorce, the pain of losing him to another woman was so hard that there were days that I wished he was dead because it would have been hard but easier at the same time.

When you divorce someone that you have kids with you still have to see them and deal with them. That is doubly hard if there are still feelings on your part. However when the said person dies, there is no longer the contact. Yes it is painful and hurts like hell. But so is divorce as it is a death of a relationship.

So as I have mentioned my biggest fear is loneliness. I am not happy to admit that I tired to run from the pain of my divorce into another mans arms. Yet it was a life lesson I needed to learn.

I needed to see that while I love being in a relationship, I don't want to be your mom. I want to be your helpmate and vice versa. I also want someone who is willing to put me first even if it is once a month. I truly don't know what that is like. I also want someone who is going to e there for me when I have a hard and support me, rather than treating me like a school girl. However the most important thing in all this long list is I want someone that understands that I am a mom first and foremost and that my girls are my world.

I have been doing a lot of praying about the loneliness issue and know that it will get better regardless of what life gives to me

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