One Ramifcaition

Lately I have been stuck in a pattern of hurting. I will have really good days and then one day will be rough emotionally and it will lead to be me having several days where I am stuck. I am slowly coming to realize why I have these feelings.It did take me several days to discover the issue. The real issue is:

I feel like a failure!!

The failure part comes from the fact that I could not save my marriage. However I know that it take two to make the marriage to work and he did not it to work any longer. However the pain of failure is still there.

I grew up as a child who had a lot of hurt and pain. I always said that I was not going to get married unless I was 100% sure that I was going to make it last.When I got pregnant with my oldest child I was happy to stay single because I did not want him to feel trapped by me and a baby. However we got married and while we had rough times I honestly thought we could make it work.

I am slowly working to overcome this issue but it is a hard thing to overcome but have to admit that this is a hard thing to deal with. It has affected everything about me. I can feel that I am closing off to people, which is a scary thing because I know that I deserve to find someone again who loves me for me. However it is so hard to trust not only other people but also myself.

As I navigate forgiving myself for the divorce I am praying that Peace and forgiveness finds me fast so that I can proceed into my next chapter of my life..

Motivation and Determinatio

As I mentioned in the past I have been so busy at work. On Sunday and Monday of this week I walked 4 days each week and I made a statement on facebook that I wanted to walk 16 miles by today. Well as the week went on I was unable to get a good workout in at all this week. So today I was on the phone with my BFF Brandi and I told her I was going to walk 8 miles. Well she was with me when I started and completed the first 5 miles which was close to an hour and half of walking.  However by the time I hit mile 5 I was done and did not want to do anymore.  We were still on the phone and she was doing sit ups. Well she challenged me to go back out of my house and walk the last remaining  3 miles. So I agreed that I would walk the 3 miles if she agreed to do 20 more sit-ups. Well guess what I was able to walk 16.5 miles this week. My goal now is walk 5 miles a day when I can. This will be Saturday, Sunday and possibly Mondays.  I am still working on doing a marathon/5k which is looking like it will be in the fall since school is nuts right now

2013 Goals

I know that many people  set new years resolutions however many people do not hold to these!! This year I have set goals because goals are more obtainabble

1. Pay off Credit Card Debt- I have roughly 14k dollars in credit card debt!!
2. Lose 50lbs
3. Have an emergency fund of 5000 dollars
4. Start saving for a house- My goal for this one is to have 2000 dollars by the end of 2013!

With the last year I had to put alot of stuff on credit card due to my divorce. This year I want to get it paid down and paid off. I hope to get it down to zero but I am realistic and know that if I can pay off at least 10k I will be happy. Once the cards are paid off I plan to put them in a card of peanut butter and stick them in the deep freezer. I know extreme but I need to keep this debt off, as I start paying on my student loans in 2014.

I am still working on my weight loss goal and plan to stay on track with losing weight!!

The last year I have had several car emergencies pop up!! New transmission, new tires, new alternator, new timing belt, and more and more and more!! As you can see I must have this fund in case I run into this issue again. This one will be tough as I WILL be focusing on my debt but I plan on getting this done!!

I do not plan on buying a house for probably 10-15 years as I want to buy a house in North Carolina!! During the time that my girls are young I will be putting money aside each year so that when they graduate from high school, I will be able to move and have the money ready to put down on a home!!

As you can see I many goals that are for this year but are also for the next several years has I get ready for new phases of my life

January Goals!!

Each month of this year I will be doing monthly workout goals!! My january goals are just an extension of Decembers Goals

Miles- still working on walking a hundred miles
Caloires- Trying to burn 3000 caloires
Squats- 1500
Crunches-5000
Jumping Jacks- these are the new ones-1200
Push ups- these are new ones=-1200

Has you can see I have lowered some of these goals and raised some based on last month but also on the fact that school starts back pretty soon

December Goals Update

Hard to believe that we are already on 2013!! I am glad to see 2012 leave!! The last year was a year of growth, pain and lessons. I know that 2013 will be a year of more chnages, more lessons and living every life to the fullest.

Here is a update date on my workout goals for December 2012

Caloires Burned- 4205/2500
Miles Walked -52.82/100
Squats-1848/1640
Crunches-5260/2500

I am extremely proud of these goals becasue I really did not think I would accomplish these since I hate squats!!

Here is my weight loss/inches loss update since starting weight watchers in August 2012

Weight loss-25.8
hips 12.5
Arms-1.5
Thighs-3.75
Waist-7

These inches loss are defintley a hug thing to see since inches is always a better indication of weight loss. I did not start tracking these until about 2 montha go so definteluy know these are more

Decemeber Challenge

On Facebook I follow several weight loss pages. These pages are of people who are on the same journey that I am on. This month one of the ladies posted a squat challenge. Each day you do a certain number of squats and the total for the month is 1640. I decided to practice in that challenge but to change it up some and do crunches. Now I don't have a set number per day but mu goal at the end of the month is 2500. Yes you read that right 2500. I will add a tracker on the side of my blog and update it weekly. Also for December I want to burn 2500 calories. I am aiming for more but really want 2500. I also have been doing a walking challenge where i am trying to reach 100 miles walked. I have been working on this one since November. I will trackers to the side for each goal. Can't wait to see if I can do it all!!

Redeemed

A few weeks ago I talked about how angry I was with god (see post here) however the last month or so I have been working out my issues of that I had with god and with my life in general. This song below is the first song that I heard when I was really down!! It speaks to me alot. I have been doing alot of praying, the girls and I are back in church praise god, I am no longer angry at him or even my ex. I have come to relaize that while we have out own plans for our lives there are times they are not our own and that god  is always in control

Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off theses heavy chains
Wipe away every stain now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed
All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet
I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

Still Here!!

So it has been a while since I last posted about my journey after divorce. However I needed to step back some and deal with some issues in my head. Part of the reason why I needed to pull back was because of the holidays coming up. My ex husband asked to separate the Monday after thanksgiving and I filed for divorce two weeks before Christmas and he was served two days after Christmas. So as you can imagine my heart is hurting at this time. I am still struggling some because he has been able to move on and while I no longer am wanting and hoping he would come back, I am still hurting over the fact that my life has changed so  much.

I really am doing alot better than I was a year ago, I am able to spend more time with my girls, I am working on getting healthy and some day I hope to find someone who gets me and respects me and my girls. However there have been a ton of challenges which I am having to adjust to. The biggest being financial issues.

So as we progress thru the Holiday season, I will be going home for Thanksgiving with my girls as it is my year with them. I know that going home for that holiday will be good, it will keep my mind of the last year and will allow me to have a small break from life. However Christmas this year will be hard since my ex has the girls. I am hoping that he will allow me to have them for a few hours but i am not getting my hopes up. If I dont' get them to see the on Christmas day, I will just plan my Christmas day for a Saturday that I have them and we will do it up. Christmas eve traditions and all. I am not going to let the fact that my life has changed to destroy the happiness that I have in my heart.

I know that I am getting stronger and better each and every day!!

Weight Watchers Week 11

So as I mentioned earlier this week I was really struggling with my weight. This week I ended up eating alot more caloires and points but I also was working out for at least 30 minutes everyday but Wednesday. I am proud to say that the small changes have helped quite a bit. Go me!!

Starting Weight-218.5
Current Weight-199.7

Total Weight Loss-18.8lbs
Weekly loss-3.3lbs

I am so happy to see that I broke the plaetau and also got down below 200 pounds!! My goal is to keep the health diet, and take whatever loss I get.

Weight Watchers Update!!

Well I have not blogged in a few weeks about my weight becasue I hit a major stall.. When I mean major, I mean major make me want to give up and gorge on food. However, I have not given up and this week I changed up my diet and exercise and hope to see a loss this week. I will start doing my weekly updates again, I just needed to give myself a tiny brake so I could focus on me!

Weight Watchers -Picture Update

So we are almost at the 2 month mark since I started weight watchers!! Here are some update pictures.

These are from 8/25/2012- Weight 218.5

10/22/2012-202.4 I can really see the loss in my stomach and my breast

Weight Watchers Week 8

I have finally figured a good system that works for me on my eating and it seems to be the way to keep my weight moving. I am going to florida for a week during the week of Thanksgiving to be with family and before I go I want to be down 25 pounds. That leaves me 28 days to get down 8.9lbs pounds. I would love to see more but if I don't then I will be happy with the 25lbs wieght loss.

Starting Weight-218.5
Current Weight- 202.4

Total weight loss- 16.1 lbs lossed
Weekly weight loss-3.1

Taking care of me

 As a woman we make a lot of sacrifices for our families and for me that is no exception.

For the last 10 years I put aside what I wanted and needed to make sure that Matt and my kids had everything they  wanted and needed and in the end that only hurt me.

As a single mom money is always tight but I plan to do one nice thing for myself regardless of the money that I will spend. It will not be big things but I know that in the end taking care of me will be better for my kids.

Thinking that when my ex has the kids for his weekend I will go and get a pedicure.

Pain!!

Divorce is such a painful event.

I know that for the past few months I have done all that I could to run from the pain that I have been feeling. However every day I wake up and the pain is there. I know that as time moves on the pain will lessen but right now it is my constant companion like the anger I carry.

I have had many people tell me that it will get better and while I believe that it will at some point, right now I am struggling with that a lot.

The girls and I are going home next month for thanksgiving and I am hoping and praying that the tiny break will allow me a chance to sit back and relax and digest this some.

Weight Watcher Week 7

After the rought week I had last week, I was determined that I was going to lose the weight that I gained plus more. Well this week was rough due to a Migraine that I got on Sunday and did not break until Friday. I actually ended up calling in sick becasue of the migraine on Friday. I am currently using activty link to track my activity and I am trying to hit a 100% or more every day but the last few days has been rough. This week I am going to try to hit the 100% or more so I can ear more activites.

Starting Weight-218.5
Current Weight -205.5

Weight loss of 2.2lbs
Total loss-13lbs

Empathy

There are event in our lives that make us stop and fell bad for ourselves. I know that was the case for me.

I know that right after my divorce I was telling Brandi how my ex and his new wife ruined my life. Yet at the time I did not realize how much my life would get better but harder.

Yet at the same time my ex and his new wife thought that life would be perfect. From what I can tell and I know it has not need easy.

His new wife was a friend of mine who had a baby and in my opinion was looking for someone to take care of get. She was still living at home and working as a waitress

Well here comes my ex looking like a Great War hero with all the crap stories he fed her, the fact that I was a horrible wife and he was being mistreated . Of course she fell for him. At first my anger was so bad that I would call her horrible names. Yet that anger is backing off and all I have for her now is sympathy and empathy.

Why do you ask?

Well I think my ex was not 100% honest with her about financial things. However he really has a hard time being honest. They are having so many money problems that she is working so much and bills are my getting paid. She has no health insurance for her child which is horrible because he and my girls are the true victims here and she wants to go home but can't because of my kids.

As this situation has become one that is less about how I feel. I can honestly say that I feel bad for her.

Sometimes it takes someone leaving you to see what you are made of.

Thanks  Matt for leaving me!!

Holding it together

I have so many friends and family who tell me that try are proud of me for the accomplishments that I have achieved. Yet at the end of the day I still have a hard time with those accomplishments.

I know I should be proud of the fact that I am able to work a full time job, do a internship that is 60 miles away and still manage to go to school one night a week plus juggle my kids and their schedule.

However there are days that I feel like I am barely holding on. I know that feeling will pass and I will love what I have achieved but right now in the moment. I want to be weak and have a pity party. Yet I don't have time to sit around to feel bad.

This past week defintley showed me that I am not holding it togteher very well. For the last few months I have been havign some problems with my car where it makes this loud noise. On Friday I went to the mechanic hoping that it would not be too bad but knowing that it was going to be bad. Needless to say I learned that I needed a new alternator, some pulley things, new brakes and a brake fluid flush. Yea that was a fun day with a totla bill of 1460 dollars.

Needless to say I was a mess!! I blew my diet and spent several hours on the phone crying about how my life was worthless. Yea I know it is not worthless but when you have to max out a credit card it does feel pretty bad.

Slowly I am working to see that even though I did not chosse this life this is the life that I was given.

Grief

“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.”- Helen Rowland

 

After several months of coming to terms with my divorce I thought I was truly ok with everything however every time I look at my kids I wonder if there was any way that I could have made my marriage work. I know that deep down it was time for us to end it because we were both miserable and no longer made each other happy.

However in the last few weeks I have been trying to overcome the anger that I have.

I am angry at everyone including god.

Yes it is wrong to be mad at god but right now I so angry about the fact that my life is not how I wanted ti to be and yes I know that life is not always however we want it to be.

The anger at this point is my security blanket. If I am angry then I don’t have to let anyone in and I won’t get hurt yet I know that I can’t raise my kids like this.

I am going to spend the next few weeks overcoming the anger and realizing that while the divorced happened and my life was turned upside down.  I was also given a second chance to life my life without being controlled by someone else.

Here’s hoping to the anger leaving me alone so that I can be a strong woman raising my babies.

Weight Watchers Week 6

This week has been a hard week becasue of some car problems that I had. So Friday and Saturday night I gave into my bad days and blew my diet completely out of the water. This week I am hopign to stay on track .

Starting Weight-218.5
Current Weight-207.7

Weight Gain-.02- Going to be busy this week getting this weight back down!!

Biggesr Fear

Ask any single mom what their biggest fear and I can almost guarantee that loneliest is in the top 5.

Why is that?

My answer to the "why" part is because after a divorce you feel rejected and broken down in such a way that you don't know until I are going through it. Regardless if u were the one who filed like in my case, the pain and the hurt eventually gives way to the fear of being alone for the rest of your life.

I know that while Matt and I were going to marriage counseling and after I decided to file for divorce, the pain of losing him to another woman was so hard that there were days that I wished he was dead because it would have been hard but easier at the same time.

When you divorce someone that you have kids with you still have to see them and deal with them. That is doubly hard if there are still feelings on your part. However when the said person dies, there is no longer the contact. Yes it is painful and hurts like hell. But so is divorce as it is a death of a relationship.

So as I have mentioned my biggest fear is loneliness. I am not happy to admit that I tired to run from the pain of my divorce into another mans arms. Yet it was a life lesson I needed to learn.

I needed to see that while I love being in a relationship, I don't want to be your mom. I want to be your helpmate and vice versa. I also want someone who is willing to put me first even if it is once a month. I truly don't know what that is like. I also want someone who is going to e there for me when I have a hard and support me, rather than treating me like a school girl. However the most important thing in all this long list is I want someone that understands that I am a mom first and foremost and that my girls are my world.

I have been doing a lot of praying about the loneliness issue and know that it will get better regardless of what life gives to me