Lately I have been stuck in a pattern of hurting. I will have really good days and then one day will be rough emotionally and it will lead to be me having several days where I am stuck. I am slowly coming to realize why I have these feelings.It did take me several days to discover the issue. The real issue is:
I feel like a failure!!
The failure part comes from the fact that I could not save my marriage. However I know that it take two to make the marriage to work and he did not it to work any longer. However the pain of failure is still there.
I grew up as a child who had a lot of hurt and pain. I always said that I was not going to get married unless I was 100% sure that I was going to make it last.When I got pregnant with my oldest child I was happy to stay single because I did not want him to feel trapped by me and a baby. However we got married and while we had rough times I honestly thought we could make it work.
I am slowly working to overcome this issue but it is a hard thing to overcome but have to admit that this is a hard thing to deal with. It has affected everything about me. I can feel that I am closing off to people, which is a scary thing because I know that I deserve to find someone again who loves me for me. However it is so hard to trust not only other people but also myself.
As I navigate forgiving myself for the divorce I am praying that Peace and forgiveness finds me fast so that I can proceed into my next chapter of my life..