Do you think I am beautiful

So while I am dealing with my divorce I am also dealing with some other personal demons. My BFF Brandi has reccommedend that I read do I think you are beatiful. The first chapter alone gave me alot to chew on because I have never thought that I was beautiful or even that I deserved to be happy. However one thing that stuck out to me about the chapter is that all women think that regardless of their beatuy. Divorce is not something that I would wish on my wort enemy however it can be used as a way to grow and learn. I have to say in the last few weeks I have done alt of growing. Yes I am still hurt by eveythibg however I have learned that I deserve better than to be lied and cheated on. I have learned that I deserve happiness. I have also learned more importantly that I relied on a man way to much. Rather than living my life I have up myslef and lived how he wanted. Which while I should do that not to the extent that I did where all my choices and decisions were based on what he wanted.

The chapter also showed me that I won't be able to love anyone else as I don't love myself. As a child I was sexually abused by two men and then dealt with alot of phsycial abuse by my mom. While I wish I could say that I learned how to get over it. I can't. There are times that I am walking around like that scared little girl. I also looked for love in the wrong places. Rather than having a good relationship with myself I decieded that the only way I could find worth was in a man. While I dated alot when I was younger I was only intimate with my husband. However I felt that I had to stay with him out of a sense of gratitude. What I mean by that is that he was willing to take me on all my problems and all. Rather than understanding that any man would want me because I am a great person. Yes we all have flaws and I am slowly coming to see mine however at the same time I deserve to find happines in who I am so that I can find happiness with a man a long time from now.

My motto for the next year is: I am beautiful.