Losing pounds but finding me

As mentioned in a earlier post I have been losing weight for a little over a year now. When I started my weight loss journey, I did I for all the wrong reasons. My number one goal was to make my ex jealous. As time as gone on and the weight has come off I have learned that this weight loss journey needed to be different then my other journey. 

Bach in 2007-2009. I lost close to a hundred pounds. I went from being 230 to be 130 in about a year period. This was a huge accomplishment for me. Yet, I relaize now as I look back over that time and the years that followed when I put all the weight back on I did it for te very wrong reason. 

Back in 2007, I was still married and while I would like to say that it was the happiest time it was not because of a choice that I made and still regret to this day. Yet I regress. In February of that year I learned that my then husband would be deployed to Iraq for a period of time. I was scared to death that I would lose him and be all alone. The weeks leading up to him leaving I slowly changed my eating habits and I slowly added some walking in. Nothing major. When he deployed I was at 230.5. I hated that number. I hated who I had become. I hated myself. The day after he deployed we were informed that it would be a shift 4 month deployment because after the holidays of 2007 they would be going back to Iraq for almost two years. In that two month period that he was gone I was bound and determined to get under 200. When he returned in June 2007, I was at 197. I was stoked and he loved the changes in me. However in that short period of time of him being home again I stoppe eating healthy and while I did workout it was not the same intensity. 

December of 2007 he redploed back to Iraq. I went back on my diet and exercise plan and by the time he came back in December of 2008 I was at 130. This was the tiniest I had ever been. It was also one of he unhappiest times in my life because while he enjoyed it I no longer I no longer had a goal. So I did what I always did. I went back to my old habits. No diet no exercise. 

By the time we moved to Texas a short 6 months later I had already put  50 plus pounds on. That right there should have been a indication of how unhappy I was. Yet, sadly it was not. 

By the time I was divorced and living alone I was close to 200 and only lost 12 pounds during my divorce because of depression.  I then got involved with another man and by the time that was over I was at 218.8. The sad thing was between him and my divorce from my ex I was working out, eating healthy and was seeing a personal trainer. Yet again I gave it up for a man. 

During the last year I have gone from 218.8 to 161.2. I am no where near where I want to be. Yet, I know I will get there. The reason why this post is important is because in the last decade I stopped living for me. I did everything in my power to keep someone else happy even if I was not happy. This has been one of the things that I have learned in this journey. Losing weight has to be for me and me only. 

I have also learned that I am important and I matter. So if no one tells me I am beautiful that is ok because on the inside I know and feel beautiful. 

Me on left is from December 2012-195

Me on right 9/2/13-161.2

Love... And letting go

I am a huge reader and therefore I am a huge believer in happily ever after...however sometimes that does not happen and we have to take what we are given and move forward with our own happily ever after. 

When I first got divorced I stayed away from romance stories( which are my go to reads) because of the pain I was in. Yet slowly i have been adding those back into my reading library. 

Tonight I was reading LETTING GO by Meg Jolie. This is the second book in the series. While it is a work of fiction, that does not mean that I can't learn from it. When I read regardless of the story I am always able to find something that sticks with me. 

Tonight it  was this line

"It was time to move on. While he would always hold a piece of her heart and soul it was time to take control of her life." 

These two simple sentence may not seem like a lot an yet to me they were life changing. I read them over and over and over.  For the last 18 plus months I have done everything in my power to act like I was no longer in love with my ex, it was and is a lie. Yes he hurt me and yes he did something awful in the end it does not change the way I felt about him for Almost half my young life.  Just because he stopped loving me in a short period of time does not mean I was able to turn it off so easy. He was my first love and is the father of my children. For that I will always love him.  If I hate him then am I not hating my own flesh and blood?

I am no longer in love with him. He is someone I used to know and love just like I am someone he used to know and love. We had good and bad times. We took on the adult life when we were both still babies ourselves. We had many struggles and challenges handed to us before we were even old enough to drink.  We grew up and grew apart. We wanted different things and that is ok. I think in the end if we had tried to make it work for the sake of our children all of us including the children would have been miserable and we would have hated each other. 

 

I truly think that in life we are given the ability to love many. I know that someday. It may not be today and it may not be tomorrow but someday there will be a man who walks in my life who will not want to walk out. My future is so much better than what I could have ever asked for. Yes there will be pain and yes there will be heartache. But life is not meant to be a easy journey. I want to know before I meet god that I have no regrets.

Many people have told me that it will get better and the pain will lessen. I can say that each and every day it does. I have spent alot of time looking at myself and knowing that while it ended, and I had my faults it was not all bad.

I think the fact that it has taken me so long to stop hiding from this truth will allow me to open up and be able to take control of my life. 

Catching up

Life.... 

Has a funny way if sneaking up on you and changing how things are going. For the last 11 years I have been slowly and painfully working towards my goal of getting a masters degree. Well as of August 10 I am the proud owner of a masters degree. I actually won't walk until December( long story) yet I am done. 

This change in my life is odd. For te last 11 years I have balance motherhood, school, sometimes work and being a wife. Yet in the last two years a lot and I do mean a lot has changed. I am no longer a wife and while I still struggle with my divorce daily i know in the end it was the best decision for me. I wish my kids were by hurt in the process and yet they are stronger from it.

I am no longer in school and have no plans to go back. This has been a huge change. I am still learning how to be still. 

I have lost quite a by of weight. This has been a challenge for me. As my life has been in chaos the last two years the only thing I have been able to control is my weight. Yet is was a unhealthy obsession. Yes I sill struggle with the scale and have been plateaued longer than I would like yet I am proud of the fact that in the last year I have lost 50 plus pounds. 

My relationships with my girls have become so much deeper. My girls have seen my struggle and yet at the end of the day they know that I love them.  This time together has allowed me to see that I will miss them when they are older yet I am enjoying them like crazy. 

The biggest and greatest change is my relationship with the LOrd. I was raised in the faith yet as time and struggles came on I slowly and quietly walked away from him. When I first was divorced I was so angry with him and it took close to a year to get over being angry with him. It also took him putting some people who did not know me in my life to show me that I was worth the gift that he was giving me of allowing me to have a second chance with him. I really have learned how to rely on him. In the good and in the bad I tune to him and ask for guidance. I definitely know that even when his answer is no there is a reason why. 

As you can see I have grown and changed and I am becoming a better and healthier person. 

Creamy Tomato Soup

I found this yummy and fantastic recipes over at Two Peas and their Pod and omg it is great. The thing that caught my eye on this recipe is the fact that the creaminess comes from Greek Yogurt. Now I am not a fan of Greek yogurt. It is not my thing. I have tired all the brands and can't get into. However when I saw this recipe I started craving tomato soup. So my plan today was to make this great recipe however I modified it a tiny bit and totally threw it in the crock pot. Any meal that I can do in the crock pot I totally do. The Greek yogurt has totally got me thinking of what other soups can I modify. Defiantly going to do this to my corn chowder.

My Recipe for Creamy Tomato Soup(Original can be found above)
Source: Two Peas and Their Pod with minor adaptions by me.

3 cans of pettier tomatoes with olive oil and garlic
1 15oz can vegetable broth
1tsp brown sugar
2 oz cooked orzo
6 oz of plain Greek yogurt

Directions:
Dump the top 3 ingredients into the crock and cook on low fro 6-8 hours. Prior to serving cook the orzo past about 6 minutes. While this is cooking remove about half of the tomatoes and blend. Then add back into the crock pot. Drain the pasta and add to the crock pot for about 5 minutes. After those 5 minutes add the yogurt and let cook about additional 5 minutes. Serve with grilled cheese sandwiches or garlic bread. 

Please be aware this will rock your world. I will never buy canned tomato soup again.


Nutritional Information
6 servings for 1 cup each

Calories-104.8
Fat-.2
sodium-910.2- Little higher than I like but use low sodium if you want
Carbs-19.9
Fiber-2.1
Protein-5.4

One Ramifcaition

Lately I have been stuck in a pattern of hurting. I will have really good days and then one day will be rough emotionally and it will lead to be me having several days where I am stuck. I am slowly coming to realize why I have these feelings.It did take me several days to discover the issue. The real issue is:

I feel like a failure!!

The failure part comes from the fact that I could not save my marriage. However I know that it take two to make the marriage to work and he did not it to work any longer. However the pain of failure is still there.

I grew up as a child who had a lot of hurt and pain. I always said that I was not going to get married unless I was 100% sure that I was going to make it last.When I got pregnant with my oldest child I was happy to stay single because I did not want him to feel trapped by me and a baby. However we got married and while we had rough times I honestly thought we could make it work.

I am slowly working to overcome this issue but it is a hard thing to overcome but have to admit that this is a hard thing to deal with. It has affected everything about me. I can feel that I am closing off to people, which is a scary thing because I know that I deserve to find someone again who loves me for me. However it is so hard to trust not only other people but also myself.

As I navigate forgiving myself for the divorce I am praying that Peace and forgiveness finds me fast so that I can proceed into my next chapter of my life..

30 Today!!!

I think there is something about the fact that I am turning 30!

I know that I have been dreading it for the past month but now that it is here I am excited about the prospects about what my life has in store for me! 

Many goals will be realized this year and many good things are to come


Happy birthday to me!!

My Next Thirty Years by Tim McGraw

I think I'll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it's time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I'm gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I've done
Maybe now I've conquered all my adolescent fears
And I'll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I'm gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I'm doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I'm gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I'll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years

Girls Time

This one involves my little ladies. As my little girls are coming up to their teen years I want them to know that they can always come to me and count on me.

This being said, I want to start spending more one on one time with them. Weather this be something like taking a walk around a lake or going to have tea. I plan to do something special with each of them every other month. I will start with Maddison first because she always gets picked last. Lol. Joys of being the youngest.  I plan to let each girl pick what we do and do exactly what they want. This will allow them to fell special.

This will have already started by the time this is posted but I will update when we do it!!

I am looking forward to this one the most!!

Motivation and Determinatio

As I mentioned in the past I have been so busy at work. On Sunday and Monday of this week I walked 4 days each week and I made a statement on facebook that I wanted to walk 16 miles by today. Well as the week went on I was unable to get a good workout in at all this week. So today I was on the phone with my BFF Brandi and I told her I was going to walk 8 miles. Well she was with me when I started and completed the first 5 miles which was close to an hour and half of walking.  However by the time I hit mile 5 I was done and did not want to do anymore.  We were still on the phone and she was doing sit ups. Well she challenged me to go back out of my house and walk the last remaining  3 miles. So I agreed that I would walk the 3 miles if she agreed to do 20 more sit-ups. Well guess what I was able to walk 16.5 miles this week. My goal now is walk 5 miles a day when I can. This will be Saturday, Sunday and possibly Mondays.  I am still working on doing a marathon/5k which is looking like it will be in the fall since school is nuts right now

Wine tasting

Again a easy one but one I have always wanted to do and never did.

Would love to visit different winery's and learn about the wines. Some day I would love to go to napa on a huge wine tour.

Plan for this one is easy look for winery's in dallas and go visit.

Cooking Class

When I first decided to go back to school many years ago I debated being getting my bachelors degree and cooking to culinary school. I ended up not doing the culinary school but cooking is a passion of mine.

I don't get to do it to often because of my crazy schedule but I would love to take several this year to enhance my skills. I am not trying to be Julia Childs but if I have friends or family who want to come over then I can prepare a yummy meal.

The plan with this one will not start until the fall unfortunately. My schedule for the next several months is super crazy with school work and the girls that I would not have time to get it in. This gives me a little time to research what classes I want to take .

Marathon

Ok this one is a huge deal for me!! Being honest I am not sure I will be able to do it.  As you know I am in the process of losing weight. In the last few months I have been walking on the treadmill and I can fell that I am learning more and able to do more. However running for me is very hard since I have a heart condition which affects my lungs.

So here is my plan for this one. I am slowly going to start trying to walk more and as my weight goes down then I will be able to go faster.

If I can find a walk/run marathon. I plan to do the walk part of it!! I would like to do several of these before attempting to run.

So again if you know of any walk/run marathons in dallas/ north Texas area please let me know.

Skinny Bacon Cheeseburger Pie

Lately I have been looking for yummy healthy recipes and this recipes I found  here and  I did modify it some for my liking. All I can say is that we ate this recipes so fast that I could not get pictures. The good thing about this is that you can change it up based on what you like. The original recipe had tomatoes but I don't like cooked tomatoes. So Yummy

 

Ingredients

•  1lb extra lean ground turkey
•  1/2 Cup Chopped Onion
•  1 package reduced fat crescent rolls
•  1/2 cup Nonfat Cottage Cheese
• 1 Egg
• 3/4 Cup Kraft 2% Shredded Cheddar Cheese
• 4 slices of Bacon

Instructions

1. Brown Turkey Onion & Garlic in a pan.
2. Drain meat of fat/grease. .
3. Place rolls in pie pan (or 8x8 pan) to make crust
4. Pour meat mixture into pie pan
5. In a separate bowl, mix cottage cheese with egg.
6. Pour cottage cheese mixture over meat in the pie pan.
7. Top with shredded cheddar cheese.
8. Bake at 350°F for 35-40 minutes – let stand for 5 minutes before serving. I have yet to be able to make the servings actually look like slices of pie.

Servings-8 - 5 points per servings

Hiking!!

I know this one is probably silly to some but I have never been hiking. I want to find a place either here in texa or in Oklahoma and hike it. Nothing big but another one of those accomplishments that I need.

If you know of any place in either state please drop me a comment!!

Weight Watchers- Week 2 of 2013

This past week has been rough!! That is so much of an understatement. I have been dealing with a ton of crap with work. Needless to say I only worked out like 3 times this week which I totally hate. Plus I ate bad. Today I am back on track and went for an hour walk. Hopefully this next week will be better.

Last week-190.3
This week- 189.4

Weight Loss-.9

Picture Update

 8/25/2012-218.5

 

10/22/2012-202.4

 

 

1/7/2013-190.3

Sky Diving

This is one thing I always wanted to do. When I was a young teenager I stated that when I was 21 I was going to go sky diving for my 21st bday. We'll I was pregnant at 21 and then married so it never happened.

We'll as I enter this new phase in my life this is one of the first things I plan to do. I am going to jump from a plane.  Many people think I am crazy but for me this is about re-establishing who I am.

My plan right now is to pay for the jump on my birthday and then do the jump in march when it is a tiny bit warmer. I plan to go alone because this is not for others but is for me. I am paying to get pictures and video done so I will post those.

I am excited and if I like it I would love to do more jumps!!

Spianch, egg and cheese veggie wrap

Since I work from home and my car there are many mornings that I am  rushing out the door to do visits. Many times I will stop at Starbucks and get me a grande coffee and veggie wrap from them. I am huge fan of Starbucks and while I love it, the prices are crazy. Most days I end my day at starbucks documenting.

As much as I love Starbucks I hate spending the money so the last week I have been looking for east breakfast meals that I can heat up and take with me.

This recipe is based on the spinach, egg white and feta wrap from Starbucks. I did change it up a tiny bit because I was not a huge fan of the feta. This is my take on a veggie wrap from Starbucks

3 eggs whites and 1 egg
1/4 cup spinach, could use more if you like-Zero point food
2tbsp ff cheese, shredded
1tbsp salsa per wrap
3 low fat wraps- the wraps I use are two points each.





Separate the 3 egg yolks from the 3 egg white. Discard the egg yolks. Combine the one full egg with the egg yolks. Add some salt, pepper and any seasoning you like. Mix well, then add the spinach and the cheese, and again mix well. Cook on medium heat until it done to your liking.

In the meantime set up the 3 wraps on cellophane and add half of the 1tbsp of  salsa and spread over the wrap. When the eggs are done, divide into 3 equal parts and top each egg white mixture with the remaining salsa. Fold the wraps and wrap in the cellophane.

I usually stick these in the fridge and use within the week, and reheat int he microwave for 3-45 seconds. However you can freeze them.

Points Plus-4 per serving which is one wrap

Looking Back

In less than a month I will be the big 30. I remember when I was a teenager thinking that it was so far away and that It would never happen And yet here it is.

There were so many things that I experienced in my 20s that were great events and some that were not. I would have to say the biggest and greatest events of my 20s were the birth of my kids. The second greatest was completing my bachelors degree and starting my masters degree. I definitely have to say that the first accomplishment helped me with my second accomplishment.  I know that had I not had Kylie at age 21 there is no way I would be where I am now! I am extremely greatful to that little girl coming along when she did because it saved me from going now the wrong path.

There were other happy memories that I experienced in my 20's. my wedding. While it did not last and we are now trying to co parent the girls it showed me that l can be loved the way I am supposed to. While it did not last and I  saddened by that it brought me to the place where I am. Without it I would not have expierenxex the birth of my second little girl. I would have never met the great people I met in the military and I would have never ended up in Texas. I take many memories from that time but it is now time to look forward.


Over the next few weeks leading up to my bday I will post different post about things I want to do and hope to accomplish in the next decade.

Weight Watchers Update- Week 1 of 2013

It is hard to believe that it is 2013. I have been going pretty hard and strong with weight watchers. Even with the holidays I stayed on track with my diet. I did have a few rough patches but I am determined to get this weight off the healthy and right way.

I have been working on getting some issues worked out that involves some eating problems that I have been happening. Thankfully I think I have found a solution and this has been a big help.

My goal for January is to hit 185 by my birthday which is January 30th.

December 31st- 192.7
January 6th-190.3

Weight loss 2.4lbs this week!!

On track for 185 by 1/30/2013

2013 Goals

I know that many people  set new years resolutions however many people do not hold to these!! This year I have set goals because goals are more obtainabble

1. Pay off Credit Card Debt- I have roughly 14k dollars in credit card debt!!
2. Lose 50lbs
3. Have an emergency fund of 5000 dollars
4. Start saving for a house- My goal for this one is to have 2000 dollars by the end of 2013!

With the last year I had to put alot of stuff on credit card due to my divorce. This year I want to get it paid down and paid off. I hope to get it down to zero but I am realistic and know that if I can pay off at least 10k I will be happy. Once the cards are paid off I plan to put them in a card of peanut butter and stick them in the deep freezer. I know extreme but I need to keep this debt off, as I start paying on my student loans in 2014.

I am still working on my weight loss goal and plan to stay on track with losing weight!!

The last year I have had several car emergencies pop up!! New transmission, new tires, new alternator, new timing belt, and more and more and more!! As you can see I must have this fund in case I run into this issue again. This one will be tough as I WILL be focusing on my debt but I plan on getting this done!!

I do not plan on buying a house for probably 10-15 years as I want to buy a house in North Carolina!! During the time that my girls are young I will be putting money aside each year so that when they graduate from high school, I will be able to move and have the money ready to put down on a home!!

As you can see I many goals that are for this year but are also for the next several years has I get ready for new phases of my life